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The Grand Illusion.

Feb 23, ’10 2:49 AM

One of the fortunate and unfortunate aspects of experiencing trauma (loss) is that you ultimately seek guidance and a level of understanding on why it occurred and what you should ultimately learn from the experience.  In short, you are looking for answers.

This, of course, is not surprising.  How often do you hear of people whose life mission becomes centered around the trauma they faced?  A mother’s loss to a drunk driver can redirect her pain into something that can benefit the greater good – e.g. M.A.D.D.  The degree of the trauma can, I think, have a direct impact into the degree of the life change on the other end.

This is perhaps my last post on the topic of my past relationship to a woman who I believe has borderline personality disorder.  What I thought was true love turned out to be, I think, something else, and this is the hardest part to comprehend and ultimately accept.

Within this post, I’ll refer to several other sites that I have researched over the past two years to connect the pieces of this complex puzzle. Ultimately, this post symbolizes the need for closure that will never happen in a relationship of this type.  In addition, and perhaps of equal importance, it’s about helping others who have experienced something similar and seek some level of comprehension to make their lives better.

First, it’s important to understand what borderline personality disorder is.  At its core, it’s an intense fear of abandonment.  This fear is sometimes established at an early age and can be caused by an interruption in one’s normal psychological development.  The loss of a parent is a concrete “seed” that can result in this disorder taking shape.

Because close relationships, by their very nature, have some degree of risk, relationships with someone who has BPD are very intense and unstable.  To be more specific, because there is risk of abandonment, partners with BPD swing wildly from love to hate and back again.  People with BPD will frantically try to avoid real or imagined abandonment and they will do this by projecting unacceptable or threatening feelings to their partner.  This type of psychological defense mechanism is called “projection”.

Not surprisingly, projection can do much damage to the relationship over time.  The main reason for this is that the person on the other side of BPD will be unable to bear the burden of their issues as well as their partner’s, and the relationship ultimately collapses.

In looking back at the relationship, I equate my experience with a bell curve – with time on the X-axis and the question “Am I the true cause of these problems?” factor on the Y-axis.  In the early stages of the relationship, you will naturally look past the obvious problems / conflict.  However, as the relationship progresses,  you will begin questioning what is happening.  After a certain amount of time, you will start to think that maybe you are the problem – graphically you are at the top of the bell curve.  It was during this period where I started to focus on issues that I was bringing into the relationship and started to think about what I wanted from my life.  After about a year, I moved past the apex and back to where I originally started – “Why is this happening?”

Unfortunately, and ironically, it’s around this time where your original goal in providing a sense of security and comfort to your partner is turned completely upside down.  You are now the source of your partner’s abandonment fears.  You become the problem.

At this point, it should be clear that a relationship of this type is very damaging to all involved – particularly to the “non-BPD” partner.  Your belief in yourself, your ability to make good decisions, and your belief in a true partnership are all significantly damaged and take a considerable time to return to some level of “normalcy”.

It is, however, important to convey the numerous positive outcomes this experience has brought into my life:

– Expanded self-awareness
– Increased assertiveness
– Enhanced communication and articulation
– Accelerated maturation in personal and professional lives
– Positive career direction
– Increased tolerance for independence
– Accelerated creative exploration via photography, industrial design, writing
– Launched new business

I started this blog in November of 2008 as a vehicle towards understanding something that, at the time, was incomprehensible. This post is a symbol of a journey that I didn’t expect to take.

And that is the tragedy of it all.

Appendix: Web Sites

While there are a multitude of web sites providing information about this disorder, there are a few that are extremely beneficial:

Appendix: Common Themes / Quotes
(from a few of the sites listed above)

“We are initially drawn into a borderline relationship by the charm and glamour of extreme idealization about who we are and whom or what it is we represent that is presented to us – we are split white. This circumstance feeds our ego and makes us feel safe, wanted and loved.”

“When it’s good, it’s really good. You think you have found the one you are going to be with forever.  But it doesn’t stay good for long. Something happens to change the tide. That is what is sad for all involved with this disorder. For the person with BPD, it can’t be easy to live like that. And for the person who loves them. You’re left with WTH is going on?”

“If you’re with someone or love someone with bpd and they are not getting help, then be very very careful with your decisions. Enjoy the good times but also know that tomorrow it may change. Be ready and have your boundaries”.

“The borderline’s insecurities and feeling of inadequacy are never sated, so they continue to project these insecurities onto their Non partner with accusations, explosions about certain occurrences, and the like. They will start fights about, well, you don’t know. In the end, you will end up feeling like you are always rebuilding the relationship and starting from ground zero with regards to trust, respect and all the foundational elements and building blocks of a solid relationship.”

“… I miss the person I thought [s]he was.”

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Total Recall and the “Recovery Model”

Jan 14, ’09 12:00 AM

In the movie Total Recall, Arnold Schwartznegger is faced with an interesting dilemma – he doesn’t know who he is.

“[…] While evading his assailants, he receives a phone call from someone claiming to be a former friend of his who had been asked to deliver a briefcase if he ever disappeared. The briefcase contains false IDs, money, weapons, devices, and a video player, containing a video disk he left to himself beforehand. Watching it, Quaid starts piecing together his past on Mars as a secret agent. […]” (Wikipedia, “Total Recall“)

When I saw the movie – now nineteen years ago! – I was intrigued with the concept of recording video for the sole purpose of watching it in the future.  It’s only recently where I’ve found a real purpose to employ this concept in real-life.

In the book “Blink“, Malcolm Gladwell focuses on the concept of “thin slicing” – gathering just enough data / information to accelerate decision-making, while still ensuring the decision is “sound”.

Interestingly enough, one of the examples presented in the text shows the downside of “thin slicing” – making rapid (but unconscious) decisions when faced with a life-threatening situation.  From the text:

“Our mind, faced with a life-threatening situation, drastically limits the range and amount of information that we have to deal with.  Sound and memory and broader social understanding are sacrificed in favor of heightened awareness of the threat directly in front of us.

“The optimal state of “arousal” – the range in which stress improves performance – is when our heart rate is between 115 and 145 beats per minute.  After 145, “bad things start to happen”.  Complex motor skills start to break down.  Doing something with one hand and not the other becomes very difficult.  At 175, we begin to see an absolute break-down of cognitive processing.”

From this excerpt alone, it would appear that making quality decisions in these types of situations is next to impossible.  Fortunately, with training and experience, we have the ability to improve our decision-making skills even when time is very limited.  From the text:

“Every moment – every blink – is composed of a series of discrete moving parts, and every one of those parts offers an opportunity for intervention, for reform, and for correction.”

What if, however, we took a reverse approach and conceptually accelerated time even further – i.e. providing a glimpse into the future?  This is where the Total Recall concept comes into play – i.e. recording video in the past for use in the future.

Let’s say that your house has been burglarized or that someone in your family has died unexpectedly.  In all likelihood, you are going to experience a sense of shock that such an event could happen.  The sheer disbelief may leave you somewhat paralyzed wondering what to do next.  Your ability to make effective decisions is going to be very poor.  Even if there are people there to help, you may find it difficult to comprehend what they are telling you.

One solution is to record instructions to yourself in advance of the actual event.

By accelerating time, you now have introduced a dimension of guidance that was previously unavailable.  You are, through the video, a digital representation into your subconscious.  By listening to the instructions presented in the video, you may be able to make better decisions to help you move forward and “survive” that particular event.  Providing guidance, encouragement and empathy in the video is also critical.

When you accelerate time, you have the power to develop effective “recovery models” to allow for enhanced decision-making in situations where one’s judgment and decision-making ability is impaired.

While the examples presented suggest the use of pre-recorded video for “life-altering” circumstances, this concept may also apply to situations where feelings of confidence loss or self-worth become at the forefront – the videos provide a temporary boost and represent perhaps the purest form of self-encouragement.

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