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2019-20

Nov 2, ’20 2:13 AM

“It is we in particular, those remorselessly skilled at not giving up, who need to hear a curious-sounding lesson in being a little less loyal. We need to hear that, surprisingly, some people just don’t change: that their characters have been bolted shut through trauma and there is no chance that they will ever – whatever they may say and however intensely they promise – display any evolution. We need to hear that surprisingly, some people aren’t entirely good and we aren’t necessarily the problem. We need to learn to blame and get annoyed with someone other than ourselves. We need to do something very strange: walk away. This is no sign of cowardice or weakness of character. It’s a sign that we have (finally) learnt to love ourselves and so place our needs where these should always have been: at the center of our considerations.”

The School of Life, The Capacity to Give up on People

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Narcissistic Illusion.

Sep 29, ’12 1:58 AM

After what seemed like a fairly continuous stream of “lows” spread across a period of nearly four years, in December 2011 I met a woman who I was genuinely interested in and attracted to.  At initial meeting, she had everything that I was looking for and I was extremely happy.

The beginning of the relationship started as most relationships do, but there were aspects that I (internally) questioned.  The first aspect was the fact that she established plans for us well into the future.  Needless to say, this was extremely flattering in that it showed 1) she wanted to spend time with me, 2) she was interested in doing fun things and 3) she was optimistic about our future.   As I would eventually see, the downside of this planning activity was the exclusion of things / places that *I* wanted us to experience.  Those ideas were simply not on her agenda.

Another boundary she set early on was communication.  While we saw each other on a fairly routine basis, our communication outside of these dates was limited primarily to texting (no phone calls).  Since I had unfortunately equated “conflict” with phone communication (i.e. phone conversations that involve someone with borderline personality disorder are typically conflict-ridden), I initially did not have any issue with this lack of communication.  Over time I believed she would open up and texting would be replaced by “normal” communication channels (i.e. the telephone).

Unfortunately, I was wrong.  Communication hit a peak early in the relationship and then slowly tapered off until there was no communication at all.  By the time I figured out what was happening, the music had stopped and I was without a place to sit.

Early in the relationship I was told by close friends that my girlfriend had a “wall” and that I needed to be patient.  What was confusing was the speed by which she emotionally opened up.  Within weeks she was talking about eventually moving in together and spoke often about how she liked taking care of me and how we were progressing to the “next stage of our relationship.”  She even commented on how she liked “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” labels.  All of this was extremely flattering and encouraging.

If there was a “wall,” I was only seeing glimpses of it.  I believed that her wall was slowly (quickly?) coming down.

Unfortunately, these “glimpses” became increasingly prevalent as time went on.  We would start getting close to one another, but once the weekend was over, the method of communication flipped 180 degrees from interpersonal to electronic.  It was this very shift that prompted me to establish initial psychological & emotional boundaries.  This “push-pull” behavior (I’m feeling comfortable with you … now I’m not …) indirectly created distrust in the relationship.  What I didn’t realize was the strength of the undercurrent that had started to form; the relationship was becoming based upon activities vs. true communication and connection.

This lack of connection was also present when we spent time together.  For example, when walking side by side, her arm would be next to mine but rarely around me.  When we spent time with her friends, I frequently felt like a third wheel; just another “body” to be around but nothing more.  On dates, we were in the same general location, but not close enough to converse about what we were experiencing.  To be sure, this distance ebbed and flowed throughout the relationship, until the “tide” decided to remain far from shore.

The most puzzling aspect of her behavior was the fact that she would never “look back” when we (temporarily) departed from one another (I would always look back because I wanted to see her again before I left).  Clearly something wasn’t right, but I continuously attributed this to her “wall.”  If I was patient enough, the wall would eventually collapse and our relationship would begin.  In this case however, the wall was only getting stronger.

Towards the end of the relationship, her behavior and general attitude towards me became increasingly ambivalent and negative.  While extensive disagreement / conflict would normally be the cause of such behavior, there wasn’t anything specific to which I could trace her hostility and coldness.  I was puzzled.

At this stage, my self-esteem was rapidly eroding.  I felt isolated and alone, and any semblance of positive change was nowhere to be seen.  I was losing my friend and she was seemingly unaware of the damage she was inflicting.

At the end of the relationship I was told that I “needed more friends and confidence,” and that perhaps I should see a “life coach” to deal with my feelings (?).  While there were some truths in her comments (after all, this relationship was taking a serious toll on my self-confidence given her behavior), they were clearly projections of what she believed about herself.  Unfortunately I was the closest target.

Confidence and friend issues aside, the ending of this relationship was extremely painful, not just because of the loss of a “friend” and companion, but of a relationship that “could have been” (fill in the blank: great, wonderful, fulfilling).

To have hopes that you’ve found a true partner only to have those same dreams dashed was (and is) very hard to process, particularly when you’ve fallen for the wrong person (which coincidentally resulted in extreme feelings of shame).

The kind and gentle woman who I met in December eventually turned into a complete stranger.  In the end, I realized that our relationship wasn’t about us, it was about her.

Appendix: Warning Signs

  • Family background
  • Fast-forwarding
  • Excessive boundaries
  • Disrespectful behavior towards waitstaff / friends
  • “Fiercely independent”
  • Always need to be in control
  • Push-pull behavior

Appendix: Statistics

  • Relationship Duration: 4-5 months
  • Grief Cycle Duration: 4 months
  • Primary Feelings: Shame / Embarrassment / Isolation
  • Books Read (narcissism, relationships, boundaries): 5
  • No Contact Policy: Permanent

 

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Additional Thoughts.

Jul 24, ’11 10:03 AM

Waiting (for what?): A friend of mine passed away about a month ago.  Her passing gave further support to beliefs and opinions planted months, and perhaps years prior.

In short: you don’t want to leave this earth without doing things that you have always wanted to do.  For my friend, the desire to leave an unfulfilling job and to retire were goals that were never realized.

Having attempted to put myself in her place, I don’t think there is anything worse than to lose the option to make your life better and more fulfilling.

Giving and receiving advice: For many years I gave considerable weighting to others’ opinions and suggestions, only to find myself disappointed when things did not work out.  Now, I solicit feedback and advice from a select few and even then I use that information in the context of a greater whole.

On a similar note, I’ll always have my opinions but I am considerably more reluctant to share any advice unless explicitly asked; in fact, many times I don’t give my opinion at all because ultimately everyone knows inherently what they need to be doing in any given situation.  I believe my opinions or suggestions are supporting an existing path that has already been decided by that individual.

Dealing with undercurrents: I’ve placed less emphasis on the desire to become a “leader” and instead placed greater emphasis on core creativity, research, development and innovation.  I don’t know if my goal has ever been to climb the corporate ladder, but amazingly I found myself attempting to do just that.  It’s like an undercurrent that you aren’t aware of until you realize you are far from shore.

I think where this goal started to fragment (for me) was the fact that increased “responsibility” was moving me farther away from what I was interested in doing.  The sheer nature of forward movement was masking who I was and what I ultimately wanted to be doing.  While I am not 100% on where I’m headed (I may never know), I do know that I was headed in the wrong direction.

Dealing with oneself: I’ve learned to be comfortable and content alone.  Frankfurt and Paris reinforced this through complete isolation from family, friends and even technology.  The freedom and flexibility I had during that period was something that allowed me to think and “experience” without any constraints.  Now I’m living my life assuming this situation has permanence.

Belongings & Money: After spending years eliminating belongings that I no longer use, and experienced the joy that “Escape 2011” brought me, the vast majority of my purchases from here on will be experiential-based (Tokyo continues to be on the immediate radar).

Physical & Mental Challenges: Successes (full or partial) in past physical challenges (flight training, triathlons, mountaineering, and foreign travel) help set the stage for future challenges of increasing size.  What could this look like?

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Mental Evolution III (“Lessons”)

Dec 15, ’10 8:02 PM

January 1, 2011 marks the beginning of the tenth chapter (“Plane”) in the Planescape saga – a chapter I call “Immersion.”  While the details are still being mapped out, I am becoming enthusiastic about what this new framework entails.

In advance of sharing more details about Immersion, I think it’s worth sharing a few things that I’ve learned over the past year – particularly over the past sixty days – all of which will be incorporated into my larger advancement strategy.

  1. In the workplace, team chemistry is perhaps the most important thing to me.
  2. I have a much clearer sense for what I should ultimately strive for, and what I can leave behind.
  3. I have a better understanding of my strengths and skills, and also have the confidence to let some of those skills lay dormant as I develop new skills and further improve my strengths.
  4. I believe that if I am not happy, moving somewhere else will not necessarily change this.
  5. I am uncomfortable with a significant amount of uncertainty, but I have learned ways to accommodate where extreme uncertainty exists.
  6. I have learned what it feels like to be unemployed and the psychological effects of the job search.
  7. I have a better understanding of the types of companies that interest me – and those that do not.
  8. I know I need to centralize my development around design, technology and business.
  9. I need to be more careful and conscious of future decisions to increase my life satisfaction.
  10. The past several years of effort have ultimately paid off in terms of being able to tell a more accurate story of who I am and where I’m going.
  11. I am interested in leading design efforts with proper experience / education.
  12. I have learned that a continuous bombardment of failures can result in a sense of “learned helplessness” which can be corrected.
  13. I have a better sense of who to trust and when trust should be given.
  14. I have learned better decision-making skills given past failures.
  15. I do not wish to work at home or alone because it is psychologically very draining / alienating for me.
  16. I have a better understanding of what I want and do not want in my life.
  17. I have learned that I can become blocked when facing too many significant (life) decisions at once; thus, employing some type of partitioning strategy is necessary to make these decisions in confident, thoughtful and expedient manner.
  18. I may never be completely satisfied with my life, and maybe that is okay.
  19. My graphic design portfolio is fairly strong, but I need to spend more time developing the other sections of my portfolio (e.g. 3D).
  20. I would like to expend more time on entertainment design, but realize that it may always be a passion but not necessarily a career.
  21. A robust ID portfolio and MFA degree could open a lot of doors for me in the long-run.
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