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Narcissistic Illusion.

Sep 29, ’12 1:58 AM

After what seemed like a fairly continuous stream of “lows” spread across a period of nearly four years, in December 2011 I met a woman who I was genuinely interested in and attracted to.  At initial meeting, she had everything that I was looking for and I was extremely happy.

The beginning of the relationship started as most relationships do, but there were aspects that I (internally) questioned.  The first aspect was the fact that she established plans for us well into the future.  Needless to say, this was extremely flattering in that it showed 1) she wanted to spend time with me, 2) she was interested in doing fun things and 3) she was optimistic about our future.   As I would eventually see, the downside of this planning activity was the exclusion of things / places that *I* wanted us to experience.  Those ideas were simply not on her agenda.

Another boundary she set early on was communication.  While we saw each other on a fairly routine basis, our communication outside of these dates was limited primarily to texting (no phone calls).  Since I had unfortunately equated “conflict” with phone communication (i.e. phone conversations that involve someone with borderline personality disorder are typically conflict-ridden), I initially did not have any issue with this lack of communication.  Over time I believed she would open up and texting would be replaced by “normal” communication channels (i.e. the telephone).

Unfortunately, I was wrong.  Communication hit a peak early in the relationship and then slowly tapered off until there was no communication at all.  By the time I figured out what was happening, the music had stopped and I was without a place to sit.

Early in the relationship I was told by close friends that my girlfriend had a “wall” and that I needed to be patient.  What was confusing was the speed by which she emotionally opened up.  Within weeks she was talking about eventually moving in together and spoke often about how she liked taking care of me and how we were progressing to the “next stage of our relationship.”  She even commented on how she liked “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” labels.  All of this was extremely flattering and encouraging.

If there was a “wall,” I was only seeing glimpses of it.  I believed that her wall was slowly (quickly?) coming down.

Unfortunately, these “glimpses” became increasingly prevalent as time went on.  We would start getting close to one another, but once the weekend was over, the method of communication flipped 180 degrees from interpersonal to electronic.  It was this very shift that prompted me to establish initial psychological & emotional boundaries.  This “push-pull” behavior (I’m feeling comfortable with you … now I’m not …) indirectly created distrust in the relationship.  What I didn’t realize was the strength of the undercurrent that had started to form; the relationship was becoming based upon activities vs. true communication and connection.

This lack of connection was also present when we spent time together.  For example, when walking side by side, her arm would be next to mine but rarely around me.  When we spent time with her friends, I frequently felt like a third wheel; just another “body” to be around but nothing more.  On dates, we were in the same general location, but not close enough to converse about what we were experiencing.  To be sure, this distance ebbed and flowed throughout the relationship, until the “tide” decided to remain far from shore.

The most puzzling aspect of her behavior was the fact that she would never “look back” when we (temporarily) departed from one another (I would always look back because I wanted to see her again before I left).  Clearly something wasn’t right, but I continuously attributed this to her “wall.”  If I was patient enough, the wall would eventually collapse and our relationship would begin.  In this case however, the wall was only getting stronger.

Towards the end of the relationship, her behavior and general attitude towards me became increasingly ambivalent and negative.  While extensive disagreement / conflict would normally be the cause of such behavior, there wasn’t anything specific to which I could trace her hostility and coldness.  I was puzzled.

At this stage, my self-esteem was rapidly eroding.  I felt isolated and alone, and any semblance of positive change was nowhere to be seen.  I was losing my friend and she was seemingly unaware of the damage she was inflicting.

At the end of the relationship I was told that I “needed more friends and confidence,” and that perhaps I should see a “life coach” to deal with my feelings (?).  While there were some truths in her comments (after all, this relationship was taking a serious toll on my self-confidence given her behavior), they were clearly projections of what she believed about herself.  Unfortunately I was the closest target.

Confidence and friend issues aside, the ending of this relationship was extremely painful, not just because of the loss of a “friend” and companion, but of a relationship that “could have been” (fill in the blank: great, wonderful, fulfilling).

To have hopes that you’ve found a true partner only to have those same dreams dashed was (and is) very hard to process, particularly when you’ve fallen for the wrong person (which coincidentally resulted in extreme feelings of shame).

The kind and gentle woman who I met in December eventually turned into a complete stranger.  In the end, I realized that our relationship wasn’t about us, it was about her.

Appendix: Warning Signs

  • Family background
  • Fast-forwarding
  • Excessive boundaries
  • Disrespectful behavior towards waitstaff / friends
  • “Fiercely independent”
  • Always need to be in control
  • Push-pull behavior

Appendix: Statistics

  • Relationship Duration: 4-5 months
  • Grief Cycle Duration: 4 months
  • Primary Feelings: Shame / Embarrassment / Isolation
  • Books Read (narcissism, relationships, boundaries): 5
  • No Contact Policy: Permanent

 

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Questions.

May 2, ’11 7:05 PM

When Incubator was in its infancy, I was hesitant to open myself to the “world” and initially restricted its access.  After a few weeks, I decided to remove this “barrier” and it, along with Territories, have remained “open” ever since.

The second tier of openness focused on the books I was reading at the time.  Many were interpersonal in nature and several were admittedly “taboo” in a professional setting, ranging in topics from marriage “counseling”  to personality disorders.  Uncertain whether to include such texts in my published reading list, I consulted two colleagues who suggested that I either remove them completely or bundle them within an “interpersonal” section.

I always found this latter recommendation intriguing; did “bundling” somehow dilute or minimize what I was learning about at the time?  It’s as if this aspect of my life could somehow be packaged neatly in a box to focus greater attention on the “important” aspects of my Internet presence.  What is, of course, ironic is that this “box” was ultimately the catalyst for my electronic presence in the first place.

The third tier of openness focused on posts (essays?) that pushed the boundaries of what an online diary could look like, but never reaching that tipping point.  Or have I?

Now half-way through the book Alone Together, I am forced to reflect on where these online posts are heading and what value they are providing me.

While the “negative” examples focus heavily on the use of Facebook, the “positive” can be perhaps summarized by the following excerpt:

“In thinking about online life, it helps to distinguish between what psychologists call acting out and working through.  In acting out, you take the conflicts you have in the physical real and express them again and again in the virtual.  There is much repetition and little growth. In working through, you use the materials of online life to confront the conflicts of the real and search for new resolutions.“

As originally intended, my online experience over the past two and a half years has been about the latter.  But what else is there to work through now?

One could argue that I’ll always have something to work through, and that writing will aid in my ability to successfully navigate through these challenges.  And given my success using this approach, I completely support this claim.

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The Project Survival Kit

Jul 10, ’10 9:55 AM

If you were deserted on a stranded island, what three things would you take with you?  While there is no official answer to this question, you could answer this question by identifying the core fundamentals of survival – essentially, food, water and shelter.  If your three things address these needs, you have a good chance of survival.

A similar stance can be said for project management.  All too often, managing a project introduces specific processes, tools, documentation and applications all of which are designed to streamline the act of project management, but may do the complete opposite in enabling true productivity.

I believe that there are three things one needs to have at her/his disposal to accomplish a specific task with a discrete number of resources.  These three things can be thought of as the “project survival kit” – their collective use allows one to “get the job done.

1. Description of the end-state – This 1-2 page document is an expansion of a traditional “scope” statement.  It provides a full picture of the project including artifact creation, team dynamics, communication plans and final deliverables.  The intent is to describe the “ideal” project in sufficient detail before you start working.  Think of it as your “map” to your destination.

2. Team Strengths and Personality Inventory – You have resources at your disposal, but how do you utilize their talents in the best possible way?  Know the strengths and personalities of your team members!  When the relationship is strong, anything is possible.

3. Organizational Chart – If you don’t know how project participants are “linked” to one another, your effectiveness as a project leader will be limited.  In addition, you run the risk of “crosstalk” (redundant and inefficient communication) between project participants which can impede progress.  Also, if there is more than one leader identified on the chart, you have a problem.

So, what am I leaving behind?

You’ll notice that I don’t have a timeline or project plan listed.  While I think a timeline is useful, I don’t think it’s one of the top three.  If you know what you are looking to accomplish, have a good sense of how the team will be organized to deliver this end-state, and their strengths, the project will move forward at it’s most efficient pace; a timeline isn’t going to matter.

I also don’t have risks identified.  Remember, anything can happen.  Even if you list all of the risks you know about, there are plenty of things that you likely don’t.  Spend your time on what’s happening now. If an issue exists, take action.

To be clear, I am not suggesting that you completely eliminate the use of supporting documents or forgo the use of a project plan if it provides a real benefit.

However, by looking at projects with a forward-thinking mindset, I think you’ll be less concerned about timelines, documentation, “CYA” strategies and risks / issues inventories.  Instead, you’ll be utilizing resources whose activities are all designed to achieve the end-state in the most efficient and enjoyable manner possible.

It’s about focusing your attention on the activities that truly matter, and isn’t that what getting things done is all about?

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Altitude Sickness.

Dec 3, ’09 3:15 AM

In November of 2006, I decided to climb Mt.Rainier.

Given that I have never climbed a mountain, my first and only concern was ensuring that I was physically strong enough to reach the summit.  Thus, over the subsequent six months I practiced climbing stairs in local arenas, walked for miles in the darkness of winter, and eventually walked thirteen miles with a loaded backpack with forty pounds of weight.  In May of 2007, feeling confident in my physical ability, I packed my gear and headed to Seattle, Washington where I was to meet up with other climbers at the Alpine Ascents office.

I arrived fairly early to the planning session, and given the few climbers who were already there, the relative “intimacy” of the environment helped boost my confidence and comfort level.  Interestingly enough, this level of comfort remained fairly static until three new team members arrived fairly late in the session.  In retrospect, the combination of their collective personality along with the seeming “collapse” of the team dynamic led to a rather abrupt decline in self-confidence.

During the van ride to the mountain, I also noticed that I was becoming somewhat withdrawn from the group.  Being consciously aware of this, I took steps to “return” to my original self and was able to gradually interact with other team members without any problems.  However, it was at the first camp (Camp Muir – elevation 10,188 feet) where things started to become much more challenging for me.  Granted, the physical undertaking to climb ten-thousand feet was both physically and mentally draining, but the real struggle involved not my legs or body, but my mind.  Even though I was with approximately ten other climbers, I felt extremely isolated and alone.

It was only after the climb where I reflected why my primary barrier to reaching the summit on Rainier was not physical, but mental.

A person’s mental state is influenced by a wide range of factors – energy level, family history, personal experiences, etc. – but at it’s core is one’s personality.  Everyone knows fundamentally who they are, but exploring the underlying facets through a formal personality test can further expand one’s awareness of their modes of operation and what they can do to bridge connections with others.  A common and fairly reliable test is known as Myers Briggs, or as it is more commonly known – the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI).

When I first took the MBTI back in 2000, I was amazed with the results – the correlation to my true personality was striking.  At the time, the test told me that I was of personality type “ISTJ“, which can be explained via the following descriptions:

  • Ways of Gaining Energy: Introversion – You focus on your inner world and get energy through reflecting on information, ideas and concepts.
  • Ways of Taking in Information: Sensing – You notice and trust facts, details and present realities.
  • Ways of Making Decisions: Thinking – You make decisions using logical, objective analysis.
  • Ways of Living in the World: Judging – You prefer to be organized and orderly and to make decisions quickly.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I decided to take the MBTI a second time.  This time my results were actually much different – I was now of personality type “INFP” (Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving).  Interestingly enough, this change in type felt right.

While there is a free test available online, the benefit of taking the official test is that you are provided with an eighteen-page report that provides in-depth analysis of the key facets of your personality as well as tangible suggestions on how to improve your communication style, ability to manage change and conflict, and ability to make decisions.

Not surprisingly, the introversion element of my personality was a key determinant in my discomfort on Rainier.  Fortunately, I can interact with strangers without any difficulty and engage them in decent conversation, but if I don’t have the ability to (eventually) form any true connections with the people I am with, I am going to start to withdraw.  The fact that I was unable to step away from the group on Rainier to replenish my sense of “self” made it all that much more challenging.

I used to think that my inability to rapidly “connect” with strangers was a deficiency that needed to be overcome.  After much self-reflection and research, I no longer believe this.  To be sure, if I felt this was a genuine barrier that needed to be overcome, then I would take immediate steps to expand my personality “container” to better adapt in these types of situations.  However, it’s important to recognize that all personalities are created equal and trying to “fix” a personality trait because it doesn’t “fit” isn’t necessarily the right thing to do.  A personality isn’t something that needs to be “fixed”.

What is the lesson here?  When faced with new challenges, having inventory of your values, strengths and weaknesses are useful tools, but the true foundation of understanding is a keen awareness of your own personality.  If you take steps to explore your personality through formal or freely available personality tests, explore related literature about your personality type, and integrate the suggestions and information into your mode of operation, you will find that your sense of self will be that much greater and you’ll have an enhanced ability to deal with conflict, make important decisions, and communicate with others who have personality types different from your own.

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