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The Grand Illusion.

One of the fortunate and unfortunate aspects of experiencing trauma (loss) is that you ultimately seek guidance and a level of understanding on why it occurred and what you should ultimately learn from the experience.  In short, you are looking for answers.

This, of course, is not surprising.  How often do you hear of people whose life mission becomes centered around the trauma they faced?  A mother’s loss to a drunk driver can redirect her pain into something that can benefit the greater good – e.g. M.A.D.D.  The degree of the trauma can, I think, have a direct impact into the degree of the life change on the other end.

This is perhaps my last post on the topic of my past relationship to a woman who I believe has borderline personality disorder.  What I thought was true love turned out to be, I think, something else, and this is the hardest part to comprehend and ultimately accept.

Within this post, I’ll refer to several other sites that I have researched over the past two years to connect the pieces of this complex puzzle. Ultimately, this post symbolizes the need for closure that will never happen in a relationship of this type.  In addition, and perhaps of equal importance, it’s about helping others who have experienced something similar and seek some level of comprehension to make their lives better.

First, it’s important to understand what borderline personality disorder is.  At its core, it’s an intense fear of abandonment.  This fear is sometimes established at an early age and can be caused by an interruption in one’s normal psychological development.  The loss of a parent is a concrete “seed” that can result in this disorder taking shape.

Because close relationships, by their very nature, have some degree of risk, relationships with someone who has BPD are very intense and unstable.  To be more specific, because there is risk of abandonment, partners with BPD swing wildly from love to hate and back again.  People with BPD will frantically try to avoid real or imagined abandonment and they will do this by projecting unacceptable or threatening feelings to their partner.  This type of psychological defense mechanism is called “projection”.

Not surprisingly, projection can do much damage to the relationship over time.  The main reason for this is that the person on the other side of BPD will be unable to bear the burden of their issues as well as their partner’s, and the relationship ultimately collapses.

In looking back at the relationship, I equate my experience with a bell curve – with time on the X-axis and the question “Am I the true cause of these problems?” factor on the Y-axis.  In the early stages of the relationship, you will naturally look past the obvious problems / conflict.  However, as the relationship progresses,  you will begin questioning what is happening.  After a certain amount of time, you will start to think that maybe you are the problem – graphically you are at the top of the bell curve.  It was during this period where I started to focus on issues that I was bringing into the relationship and started to think about what I wanted from my life.  After about a year, I moved past the apex and back to where I originally started – “Why is this happening?”

Unfortunately, and ironically, it’s around this time where your original goal in providing a sense of security and comfort to your partner is turned completely upside downYou are now the source of your partner’s abandonment fears.  You become the problem.

At this point, it should be clear that a relationship of this type is very damaging to all involved – particularly to the “non-BPD” partner.  Your belief in yourself, your ability to make good decisions, and your belief in a true partnership are all significantly damaged and take a considerable time to return to some level of “normalcy”.

It is, however, important to convey the numerous positive outcomes this experience has brought into my life:

– Expanded self-awareness
– Increased assertiveness
– Enhanced communication and articulation
– Accelerated maturation in personal and professional lives
– Positive career direction
– Increased tolerance for independence
– Accelerated creative exploration via photography, industrial design, writing
– Launched new business

I started this blog in November of 2008 as a vehicle towards understanding something that, at the time, was incomprehensible. This post is a symbol of a journey that I didn’t expect to take.

And that is the tragedy of it all.

Appendix: Web Sites

While there are a multitude of web sites providing information about this disorder, there are a few that are extremely beneficial:

Appendix: Common Themes / Quotes
(from a few of the sites listed above)

“We are initially drawn into a borderline relationship by the charm and glamour of extreme idealization about who we are and whom or what it is we represent that is presented to us – we are split white. This circumstance feeds our ego and makes us feel safe, wanted and loved.”

“When it’s good, it’s really good. You think you have found the one you are going to be with forever.  But it doesn’t stay good for long. Something happens to change the tide. That is what is sad for all involved with this disorder. For the person with BPD, it can’t be easy to live like that. And for the person who loves them. You’re left with WTH is going on?”

“If you’re with someone or love someone with bpd and they are not getting help, then be very very careful with your decisions. Enjoy the good times but also know that tomorrow it may change. Be ready and have your boundaries”.

“The borderline’s insecurities and feeling of inadequacy are never sated, so they continue to project these insecurities onto their Non partner with accusations, explosions about certain occurrences, and the like. They will start fights about, well, you don’t know. In the end, you will end up feeling like you are always rebuilding the relationship and starting from ground zero with regards to trust, respect and all the foundational elements and building blocks of a solid relationship.”

“… I miss the person I thought [s]he was.”

Victim of Changes.

In August of 2009, there was a segment on the Today show that told the brief story of a man who had found his life partner only to eventually discover that she was seeking to end his life.  Fortunately, the “hit man” was an undercover police officer and the experience ended void of any tragedy.

While it’s difficult to generalize people’s responses to this story, I imagine most people place immediate blame on the wife and less on the husband.  After all, he is the victim.  But is this an appropriate response?  Remember, he chose to be with this woman and is now faced with trying to understand why he didn’t see the signs that led to this nearly tragic outcome.  At some level, he can be blamed for a situation that may have ended his life.

Let’s explore this concept further by looking at this from two opposite viewpoints:

Viewpoint #1: I am the master of my domain.

The first viewpoint is the belief that you are solely responsible for things that happen to you.  If you take this viewpoint, everything that happens to you is ultimately because of something that you did.  You can no longer claim to be a victim of circumstances, because the circumstance in question is something that you ultimately created.

For example:

If you get hit by a car, you are at fault for being in the path of the oncoming vehicle.
If you are in a career that isn’t going anywhere, you are at fault for making ‘wrong’ decisions that led you there.
If you are trapped in an earthquake, you are at fault for residing in that target location.
If you are in a relationship that isn’t working, you are at fault for participating and not leaving.

Again, if you employ this mindset, you are no longer the victim of circumstances.  You cannot introduce “higher authority” figures into the equation (e.g. “God has a plan ..”) or make similar statements like “There is a reason why this happened …” because these statements are perhaps masking the truth of the event.  Within this viewpoint, you are making decisions about what you do, who you interact with, where you live, etc. and those decisions ultimately result in events and things that impact your life – positively or negatively.

Viewpoint #2: I am a victim of circumstance.

Now let’s take a completely opposite perspective – one where your reliance upon a higher power guides your life path.  “God has a plan” or “I will pray that things will be better” or “That’s life!” are statements that reflect this viewpoint.  In some degree, you are taking responsibility (some if not all) off of your shoulders and accepting that things happen independent of your decisions or actions.

What’s interesting is that these viewpoints can be reversed depending upon the situation at hand.

For example, let’s say that you got a promotion at your job.  Even if you employed this “higher authority” viewpoint for things that generally happen to you, in this particular case you probably equate your recent success with your own abilities and decisions.  After all, you are the one who got promoted – and you wouldn’t have been promoted unless you were doing something right.  In most circumstances, your first response is not “That’s life!”  Instead, it’s one where you have taken charge of your destiny, and because of you, you have ultimately succeeded.

However, if someone close to you died unexpectedly, your first response would be – “Why did this happen?” or “Why did God let this happen?”  Because the situation is beyond one’s control, you cannot rely upon yourself to make immediate sense of the situation.  It’s only later in the grieving process where you may eventually shift your mindset and start to ask “What can I do to prevent this in the future?” (if applicable) or “What can I do to help others deal with an event such as this?”

In essence, your “life mindset” is altered depending upon what happens to you.

While I have taken the perspective of a given person, others’ responses to things that happen to you can sometimes take an opposite view to your own.  For example, if you are in a bad relationship, others may empathize but will ultimately question why you got in the situation in the first place.  If you were recently promoted, others may think of other reasons why you were promoted vs. focusing primarily on your core abilities.  If someone who you knew died in an accident, others may quickly decide that “God has his reasons …” which may be the direct opposite of how you may feel – especially if you played some indirect role in that person’s death (i.e. giving them the car keys, etc.).

Independent of how you look at these “life perspectives”, I think that personality type and life experiences will determine which perspective makes the most sense to you.  I think the lesson here is not to focus exclusively on one particular perspective, but be aware of the extremes and try to live life in the middle.  Of course, this is not easy – especially for someone like myself who believes that my life is driven by my own choices and less on the need for a higher authority.  But it is during times of sheer despair and confidence loss where this “centrist” perspective loses its value and you are forced to seek another viewpoint.

It’s a unique dichotomy that I don’t completely understand.