Category Interpersonal

Entries 69 Total

End Game Analysis: Relationship Spectrum

Mar 18, ’18 6:50 PM

This article, and the articles that follow analyze my thoughts on what I am calling my “end game.” You can read more about this concept here.

In my Connectedness post, I highlighted the importance of staying reasonably connected with others when one’s primary energy is focused on challenging work. Maintaining a balance between the two contexts can improve the quality of both.

Unfortunately, not every connection will result in a positive experience or outcome. Hence, it is very important to consider the use of “early warning systems” and boundaries to enable one to continue to stay reasonably connected regardless of the participant “mix.”

Thus, it’s worth exploring another spectrum, one that I have traveled along and gained experience from. Let’s call this the “relationship spectrum.”

At one end of this spectrum is naive openness, where one’s relationship with others places no restriction on the types of people or the relationships themselves. All advice and opinions are weighted equally regardless of source, and there is little-to-no “post-processing” done before acting upon such advice. All behaviors are tolerated.

At the far end of this spectrum is complete isolation and containment. Here, all relationships are discouraged, and the concept of “post-processing” has little to no meaning given that advice is neither sought nor recognized. All behavior is absent.

These are extreme positions.

Without an appropriate understanding or management of this spectrum, one can find themselves needlessly vacillating. This pattern of behavior, if left unchecked, can result in a cascade of poor decisions, the outcome of which can be difficult to unwind.

In my next post, I’ll talk about “minding the gap” via a comprehensive understanding of what lies between these two positions, and a starting point for defining a set of operating principles to maintain perspective and a positive outlook.

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End Game Analysis: Connectedness

Mar 17, ’18 5:58 PM

This article, and the articles that follow analyze my thoughts on what I am calling my “end game.” You can read more about this concept here.

In my “end game” narrative, I shared the following topic which is one I find to be omnipresent throughout the spectrum:

“The challenge at this level is balancing one’s ability to produce efficiently and effectively while remaining reasonably connected with others.”

As a refresher, the primary reason for focusing so heavily on “deep work” is a continuous desire to maximize one’s potential. However, there is a second reason which exists at a more subconscious level that requires examination.

While this may not be obvious to some, one’s ability to form and maintain close relationships with others depends heavily on the quality of past relationships. This is true in both professional and personal contexts.

If one’s “success rate” is low, the desire to form new relationships in either context will also be low.

This can pose a problem for two reasons:

Reason #1: Challenging assignments and new ideas typically originate from other people. Not staying connected with others places an artificial restriction on one’s ability to learn about, and engage in new opportunities.

Reason #2: Spending too much time working, and not enough time interacting, goes against the principle of deep work. Hard work requires intense concentration, and thus time spent in this area is somewhat limited by default (~4 hours per day). Maintaining a balance is considered beneficial.

Over the past decade, I have personally experienced numerous challenging relationships which have tested me in countless ways. With each experience comes a period of recalibration, which is a necessary step towards establishing appropriate boundaries and controls.

I will explore this topic in greater detail in my next post.

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Heroes.

Mar 16, ’18 12:40 AM

“Heroes inevitably experience at least one very big failure (which Campbell calls an “abyss” or the “belly of the whale” experience) that tests whether they have the resilience to come back and fight smarter and with more determination. If they do, they undergo a change (have a “metamorphosis”) in which they experience the fear that protects them, without losing the aggressiveness that propels them forward.

“[…] I also saw that being a hero is typically not all it’s cracked up to be – they get beat up a lot, and many are attacked, humiliated, or killed even after they triumph. In fact, it’s hard to see the logic for choosing this hero role, if one were to choose. But I could see and relate to how a certain type of person would start and stay on that path.”

– Principles, Ray Dalio

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Illegitimate Suffering

Feb 26, ’18 4:19 PM

When I consider the personal losses I’ve experienced over the past decade, and in particular, my most recent experience, I am left to wonder why these experiences have entered my life, and why I find myself increasingly isolated after each one.

Given the majority of these experiences involved some form of mental disorder, this provides some assurance that all is not “random.” Yet, these experiences leave deep scars that will never truly heal.

What’s perhaps more unfortunate is the feedback shared by friends and family. In their desire to move past the visible suffering, they are inadvertently negating the experience all-together:

“Bad things happen to good people.”
“Now you’re free to have someone else enter your life.”
“There is a reason why this happened to you.”

(And any derivation thereof)

These comments, in particular, are reduced versions of their originals; the longer versions, ironically, drive an even greater wedge between giver and receiver. In my personal experience, I’m frequently left confused, conflicted, and angry. I don’t feel heard, and worse, my feelings appear illegitimate.

Ultimately, these comments reflect a lack of courage to lament.

Taking the necessary time for deep introspection, counseling, or other forward-moving actions is a necessary, albeit eventual, component of grief. All too often, I have found that people omit these valuable exercises with the intent of “getting on with life.” And, unsurprisingly, they wish others to do the same.

Ironically, persons with ADHD are unfortunately programmed for this type of behavior. By its very nature, they are able to quickly “forgive and forget” which only worsens the pain on the inflicted (partner) and, unfortunately, leaves them in an increasingly vulnerable position over time. Not everyone heals as quickly.

Those who have not experienced mental illness first-hand are unable to comprehend the severity of the disorder. All too often, relationships involving partners with BPD, NPD, or ADHD, exhibit behaviors that are clearly visible within the relationship arena, but are invisible in normal, daily “life” interactions. The result of this disconnect should be obvious.

Through no choice of my own, there is the benefit in transforming what would otherwise be a positive and supportive relationship to an academic exercise.

The “illegitimate” dimension of suffering is initially manifested through the seemingly detached guidance just shared. It’s only when this suffering extends into inaction, and potentially subsequent unhealthy relationships, that it becomes self-inflicted.

And this is what requires my greatest level of attention.

 

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The Betrayal of ADHD

Feb 13, ’18 1:06 AM

“When we’re first betrayed by someone we relied on to love and protect us, we may be frightened by our own rage. Years or even decades later, we may be frightened of letting go of that anger. We may resist moving forward because we are not yet ready to detach from our suffering.” – Harriet Lerner

In May of 2017, my relationship of two years began disintegrating. Less than two months later, the additional misunderstanding resulted in a total relationship collapse, leaving me bewildered and incredibly hurt. The confusion, anger, and anxiety that resulted are feelings that I would not wish on anyone.

Since that time, through exhaustive research I’ve learned that relationships where ADHD is present start off incredibly strong with considerable potential (due primarily to a condition known as “hyperfocus”), only to end up, if left unchecked, in a state of confusion and resentment. It’s a unique and terrible contrast.

All relationships incur minor “ruptures,” but if the damage is genuiely addressed, these ruptures eventually heal themselves. However, when ADHD is involved, the damage is consistent, yet the repair mechanisms are few and far between. Words are rarely if ever, followed by necessary action.

This lack of attention, both in the true meaning of the phrase, and as it relates to relationship “repair,” results in the inability for the non-ADHD partner to place trust in his/her partner, and to the relationship as a whole. When disorganization and impulsivity are added to the mix, trust erodes further and eventually becomes impossible to rebuild.

What is ultimately left, at least for me, is a deep feeling of betrayal. Lack of repair and attention to address the problems at hand resulted in an unfortunate tipping point. Ghosting was a surprising, and painful add-on.

I started this post with Harriet Lerner’s quote because I am only starting to recognize why I feel the way I do. Feelings of anger and resentment cannot be harbored forever. It’s exhausting, incredibly unproductive, and emotionally blocking.

“[People] rely on this emotion to preserve the very dignity and integrity of the self. Anger is not a “bad” or “negative” emotion. It can take great courage to acknowledge and express anger. But it requires just as much courage to free oneself from the corrosive effects of living too long with anger and bitterness—a challenge that may include forgiveness but does not require it.” – Harrier Lerner

It has taken me a long time to identify these feelings and begin to come to terms with what happened, both during the relationship and its unfortunate and painful end.

I have no plans to forgive, but I am ready to begin closing this chapter to allow someone better into my life.

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Attention I – The Risks

Feb 10, ’18 1:44 AM

The young can get away with IM-ing while playing a computer game or the like, but there’s a risk: if you grow up assuming that you can pay attention to several things at once, you may not realize that the way in which you process such information is superficial at best. When you’re finally forced to confront intellectually demanding situations in high school or college, you may find that you’ve traded depth of knowledge for breadth and stunted your capacity for serious thought.

Along with the costs to strong learning and deep thinking, hours spent in the thrall of alluring machines exact a toll from your attention to human beings. At the very least, time online is subtracted from real-world interactions, such as conversation, sharing a meal, or even having sex.

Rapt, Attention and the Focused Life – Winifred Gallagher

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Constant Struggle.

Oct 7, ’16 12:24 AM

“What’s the point?” is a title of an art piece I’m currently designing. The visual design I’m considering is a collection of notes, designs, and other (project) artifacts I’ve created over the past ten years, with an explicit mid-point marker representing my efforts “pre-agency.”

In my view, it’s critical to question the purpose and value of projects/endeavors in which I’ve invested considerable time and energy. Taking the time to examine this creative history can enable one to examine and consider new projects with a much different perspective. It’s a perspective that’s more intelligent and purposeful. This combination enables a greater emphasis on the core “creative” and helps to minimize (not eliminate) wasted energy.

(It’s worth mentioning I’m purposefully omitting the definition of “creative” to open this perspective to projects of all types.)

One goal (I’m also avoiding distilling the number and type of goal at this early stage) is to maximize the “output” or end-result. Maximization, to me, equates with intense concentration and creative contribution, while minimizing the time spent in non value-add activities. These latter activities, while necessary, are “supporting” and thus do not necessarily require the level of engagement the “maximization” activities require.

While I will examine this in greater detail, this is likely to be a constant struggle that will require frequent re-examination.

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Philosophy II.

Jan 3, ’13 4:09 AM

“I think it fair to say that by any conventional measure, a mere seven years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epic scale.  An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain without being homeless.  The fears that my parents had had for me, and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew.

Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun.  That period of my life was a dark one, and I had no idea there was going to be what the press has since represented as a fairytale resolution.  I had no idea how far the tunnel extended … so why do I talk about the benefits of failure?  Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential.  I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me … I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realised, and I was still alive.

[Failure] gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations … Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification that I have ever earned.”

– J.K.Rowling

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Philosophy I.

Nov 22, ’12 3:59 PM

(Excerpts from Bad Vibes interview with Vladislav Delay)

Why do you feel a need to classify your music under different pseudonyms?  Do you categorized music under each name, during the creation, or are the ideas immediately begin life for each project?

They are my children, my projects. I couldn’t give same name for all my children (musical or otherwise). It’s personal. And then it’s very much also practical.

I play around with so many different musical styles that I think it serves the purpose to give them different names. I can appreciate people doing music that mixes everything up; one of my biggest influences is Frank Zappa to begin with. But I can’t do that myself, and rarely I like the mash up music beside the Zappa stuff. So for me the different productions are very conscious and I guess I enforce them with different names. I also assume, and partly know also from the long history of experiencing audience’s reactions, that many people like only narrow selection of music. so it makes no sense to offer everything I do under one name, it would just confuse and piss people off, at least more than it would satisfy people by surprises in each release.

I also like concepts, musically, but also giving them titles. I mean in the end there are just few, but Luomo and Vladislav Delay for example have strong conceptual ideas behind them which I’ve had for long time already. And having new ideas for each project is very exciting. there’s something like a foundation but then you move around in that space and try to create something new, I like that.

You’ve described where you live ‘as in the middle of nowhere’ – Do you feel your environment lends itself to the creation of your musical aesthetic?

I think environment plays a big role to everyone. There’s probably the most suitable surrounding for each and everyone and it’s different to each and everyone. The big thing and the challenge is for us to even begin to look for it, never mind to find it.

I noticed while living in Berlin that I’m going to be ##### if I can’t find my “place” and then spent few years trying to figure it out, and luckily had faith and power to go through that and also a partner to support me in that and of course very importantly share my views of life.  So to a point. When you have “your place” where you live and feel well it totally benefits your creations. I have seen it very clearly already.

You’ve described your relentless work ethic as a personal vision – what is your perfected musical manifesto?

I don’t believe in manifestos actually at all. I learn new things every day and change my views accordingly, and many things I felt in the past feel already ridiculous. So I try to question myself and what I do constantly. So maybe that is the manifesto if one has to be said.

But also I don’t work so much or so hard in the end. You lose the necessary “something” if you just do and do and do without a break, and you also begin to repeat yourself. So older I’m getting more I’m trying to do other stuff, my daughter also helps a lot in that…

But my musical quest is relentless still, for sure. And the musical vision I have is also quite relentless and maybe little bit unforgiving, to myself that is.  The main thing is, there’s so much possibilities to do, and not everything is easy to achieve so what can I do? I really want to do lots of things musically. Only difficult thing is that more and more it becomes very hard to make a living out of making music, especially if you don’t want to constantly tour around. And the thing is, if you tour around you end up not making any music, good music at least. There’re sadly way too many proofs out there about that for sure.

 

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Maximum Perseverance.

Nov 17, ’12 3:03 AM

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