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End Game Analysis: Relationship Principles

Mar 27, ’18 12:07 AM

This article, and the articles that follow analyze my thoughts on what I am calling my “end game.” You can read more about this concept here.

In the article entitled “Mind the Gap,” I wrote about the importance of having both self and situational awareness when it comes to managing relationships. Since it is difficult to provide explicit guidance across all personalities and situations, a better alternative is to rely upon a set of relationship principles.

The absence of principles is akin to traveling without a map. This approach may be suitable for local exploration, but arguably irresponsible when traveling in unfamiliar territory (at least if you wish to reach a specific destination). Principles allow one to navigate successfully independently of the situation.

Let’s build an initial set by posing the following questions:

Do I feel comfortable with this person?

Is the relationship balanced?

Is the relationship moving forward?

These translate into the following three criterion: comfort, balance, and strength, and are neutral enough where they can be easily applied in both professional and personal contexts. They also follow a natural order (i.e., relationships which make one uncomfortable should probably not move forward by default).

Lastly, since change is ever present, these questions need to be continuously asked. Each assessment should inform whether the relationship is on track or requires recalibration, containment, or termination.

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The Illusion of Perfection

Mar 25, ’18 12:18 PM

“To escape the uncomfortable barrage of complaints leveled against them, women like Rhonda learn to protect themselves by hiding (Solden, 2005). They avoid addressing painful mistakes by deflecting attention away from themselves. They cover their tracks with a smile, but behind the scenes they are working frantically to uphold an illusion of perfection. Women with ADHD are resourceful and creative; more often than not, they find a way to covertly triumph over their latest SNAFU. Buoyed by their success, they expand their camouflage to conceal not only their executive function weaknesses, but their true personalities.”

The Distracted Couple, Edited by Larry Maucieri, PhD and Jon Carlson, PsyD, EdD

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End Game Analysis: “Mind the Gap”

Mar 24, ’18 3:41 PM

This article, and the articles that follow analyze my thoughts on what I am calling my “end game.” You can read more about this concept here.

In my last post, I spoke about two positions within a “relationship spectrum,” one based on complete openness, and the other, extreme isolation. Understanding and managing what lies between can enable one to make better decisions when interacting with different people, all of whom have unique perspectives and ways of operating.

You may be asking: “But what does this have to do with the original end game? Isn’t the end game about critical thinking and advancement?”

I’ve learned that very close and fulfilling relationships can act as a source of fuel towards greater intellectual and creative achievement; their benefits are multifold. In contrast, challenging relationships can interfere with one’s ability to concentrate and ultimately advance.

At their worst, the ending of close relationships can result in severe depression and anxiety, the combination of which can cease all effort for an extended timeframe. Without an appropriate course correction, this decreased activity can begin to permeate into other areas.

This can be a major problem.

I used to believe that the fluid nature of relationships made it naturally resistant to any form of management. I no longer believe this. Relationships involving some type of mental disorder require considerable patience, understanding, and need to be carefully managed. Relationships that do not harbor such disorders also require a certain degree of management, although to a lesser degree.

While self-awareness is invaluable, situational awareness is what really matters here. Thus, the ability to remain mobile is largely dependent upon the relationships one finds him or herself in, and how each relationship should be managed, or ultimately contained (more about this later).

Given the various relationship types, personalities, and situations that blend the two, it is difficult to share specific examples. Books like “How to Deal with Difficult People” provide this type of guidance fairly well in both a lighthearted yet grounded way.

In my next post I’ll talk about an initial set of relationship principles that can enable one to effortlessly “mind the gap” without letting emotions run the show.

 

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End Game Analysis: Relationship Spectrum

Mar 18, ’18 6:50 PM

This article, and the articles that follow analyze my thoughts on what I am calling my “end game.” You can read more about this concept here.

In my Connectedness post, I highlighted the importance of staying reasonably connected with others when one’s primary energy is focused on challenging work. Maintaining a balance between the two contexts can improve the quality of both.

Unfortunately, not every connection will result in a positive experience or outcome. Hence, it is very important to consider the use of “early warning systems” and boundaries to enable one to continue to stay reasonably connected regardless of the participant “mix.”

Thus, it’s worth exploring another spectrum, one that I have traveled along and gained experience from. Let’s call this the “relationship spectrum.”

At one end of this spectrum is naive openness, where one’s relationship with others places no restriction on the types of people or the relationships themselves. All advice and opinions are weighted equally regardless of source, and there is little-to-no “post-processing” done before acting upon such advice. All behaviors are tolerated.

At the far end of this spectrum is complete isolation and containment. Here, all relationships are discouraged, and the concept of “post-processing” has little to no meaning given that advice is neither sought nor recognized. All behavior is absent.

These are extreme positions.

Without an appropriate understanding or management of this spectrum, one can find themselves needlessly vacillating. This pattern of behavior, if left unchecked, can result in a cascade of poor decisions, the outcome of which can be difficult to unwind.

In my next post, I’ll talk about “minding the gap” via a comprehensive understanding of what lies between these two positions, and a starting point for defining a set of operating principles to maintain perspective and a positive outlook.

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End Game Analysis: Connectedness

Mar 17, ’18 5:58 PM

This article, and the articles that follow analyze my thoughts on what I am calling my “end game.” You can read more about this concept here.

In my “end game” narrative, I shared the following topic which is one I find to be omnipresent throughout the spectrum:

“The challenge at this level is balancing one’s ability to produce efficiently and effectively while remaining reasonably connected with others.”

As a refresher, the primary reason for focusing so heavily on “deep work” is a continuous desire to maximize one’s potential. However, there is a second reason which exists at a more subconscious level that requires examination.

While this may not be obvious to some, one’s ability to form and maintain close relationships with others depends heavily on the quality of past relationships. This is true in both professional and personal contexts.

If one’s “success rate” is low, the desire to form new relationships in either context will also be low.

This can pose a problem for two reasons:

Reason #1: Challenging assignments and new ideas typically originate from other people. Not staying connected with others places an artificial restriction on one’s ability to learn about, and engage in new opportunities.

Reason #2: Spending too much time working, and not enough time interacting, goes against the principle of deep work. Hard work requires intense concentration, and thus time spent in this area is somewhat limited by default (~4 hours per day). Maintaining a balance is considered beneficial.

Over the past decade, I have personally experienced numerous challenging relationships which have tested me in countless ways. With each experience comes a period of recalibration, which is a necessary step towards establishing appropriate boundaries and controls.

I will explore this topic in greater detail in my next post.

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Illegitimate Suffering

Feb 26, ’18 4:19 PM

When I consider the personal losses I’ve experienced over the past decade, and in particular, my most recent experience, I am left to wonder why these experiences have entered my life, and why I find myself increasingly isolated after each one.

Given the majority of these experiences involved some form of mental disorder, this provides some assurance that all is not “random.” Yet, these experiences leave deep scars that will never truly heal.

What’s perhaps more unfortunate is the feedback shared by friends and family. In their desire to move past the visible suffering, they are inadvertently negating the experience all-together:

“Bad things happen to good people.”
“Now you’re free to have someone else enter your life.”
“There is a reason why this happened to you.”

(And any derivation thereof)

These comments, in particular, are reduced versions of their originals; the longer versions, ironically, drive an even greater wedge between giver and receiver. In my personal experience, I’m frequently left confused, conflicted, and angry. I don’t feel heard, and worse, my feelings appear illegitimate.

Ultimately, these comments reflect a lack of courage to lament.

Taking the necessary time for deep introspection, counseling, or other forward-moving actions is a necessary, albeit eventual, component of grief. All too often, I have found that people omit these valuable exercises with the intent of “getting on with life.” And, unsurprisingly, they wish others to do the same.

Ironically, persons with ADHD are unfortunately programmed for this type of behavior. By its very nature, they are able to quickly “forgive and forget” which only worsens the pain on the inflicted (partner) and, unfortunately, leaves them in an increasingly vulnerable position over time. Not everyone heals as quickly.

Those who have not experienced mental illness first-hand are unable to comprehend the severity of the disorder. All too often, relationships involving partners with BPD, NPD, or ADHD, exhibit behaviors that are clearly visible within the relationship arena, but are invisible in normal, daily “life” interactions. The result of this disconnect should be obvious.

Through no choice of my own, there is the benefit in transforming what would otherwise be a positive and supportive relationship to an academic exercise.

The “illegitimate” dimension of suffering is initially manifested through the seemingly detached guidance just shared. It’s only when this suffering extends into inaction, and potentially subsequent unhealthy relationships, that it becomes self-inflicted.

And this is what requires my greatest level of attention.

 

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Sade: Exemplar of Authenticity

Jan 4, ’11 7:12 PM

Earlier this year, Sade announced the launch of her Soldier of Love tour, which is her first world tour in over ten years.  Fortunately for me, I was able to secure a ticket to one of her U.S. shows!  There has always been something about Sade’s music that has always inspired me and I knew that this was a unique opportunity that I didn’t want to pass up.

When reading Sade’s “Bio” page on her web site, it appears that this interest is perhaps more relevant to me than I originally thought.  Here are a few excerpts to illustrate why.

Integrity

Soldier of Love is only the sixth studio album the band Sade have released during their 25 year career, and the first since Lovers Rock in 2000. For Sade herself, as the lynchpin of the group’s songwriting effort, it’s a simple matter of integrity and authenticity. “I only make records when I feel I have something to say. I’m not interested in releasing music just for the sake of selling something. Sade is not a brand.”

Reinvention

“I never want to repeat myself,” Sade herself says. “And that becomes a more interesting challenge for us the longer we carry on together.”

Persistence

Somewhat to her surprise, she found that while the singing made her nervous, she enjoyed writing songs. Two years later she had overcome her stage fright and was regularly singing back up with a North London Latin funk band called Pride. “I used to get on stage with Pride, like, shaking. I was terrified. But I was determined to try my best, and I decided that if I was going to sing, I would sing the way I speak, because it’s important to be yourself.“

Priorities and Timing

For most of the past 20 years, Sade has prioritised her personal life over her professional career, releasing only three studio albums of new material during that period. Her marriage to the Spanish film director Carlos Scola Pliego in 1989; the birth of her daughter in 1996 and her early 21st century move from North London to rural Gloucestershire, where she now lives with a new partner, have consumed much of her time and attention. And quite rightly so. “You can only grow as an artist as long as you allow yourself the time to grow as a person,” Sade says. “We’re all parents, our lives have all moved on. I couldn’t have made Soldier of Love any time before now, and though it’s been a long wait for the fans – and I am sorry about that – I’m incredibly proud of it.“

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Consumer Credit and Sustainability

Oct 9, ’10 1:19 PM

[While I wrote this article nearly two years ago, I’ve decided to repost it here given its focus on creativity and innovation. – A.D.]

The Industrial Designers Society of America (IDSA) publishes a quarterly magazine entitled “Innovation”.  In the Spring 2008 issue, Craig Badke and Stuart Walker contributed an article entitled “Designers Anonymous” which compares Western society’s consumerism with that of an addiction.  In reading this article, I was able to uncover additional insights which I think are worth sharing.

By making a comparison with the twelve-step program found at the core of Alcoholics Anonymous (which addresses the cause of the problem, not its symptoms), the authors present a similarly structured program for both designers and consumers that encourage sustainable design and purchasing behaviors.

As it is with every addiction, people will need more of what they are getting, or something new to satisfy their desire.  With fewer resources at our disposal and an ever-increasing focus on the environment and our planet, I believe that we’ll eventually reach a tipping point where consumers will come to realize that their purchasing behaviors ultimately impact the environment, and are temporarily satisfying a need that could be fulfilled through other (positive) means.

Because the vast majority of consumerism is driven by credit, credit card companies and other lenders can start moving towards a business foundation in which sustainability is an underlying goal.  Today, these companies are focused primarily on providing the customer access to credit based upon their needs.  This may not be enough for the long-term.

In the future, I believe it’s the lenders responsibility to provide the customer with a “model of sustainability” that can perhaps alter their spending habits for the benefit of the planet.

A similar “model” exists today in the fast-food industry.  Think about how traditional fast-food establishments are making incremental changes for the health benefits of its consumers.  By providing customers with clear nutritional information about each of their products, they are providing a “model of health” that was unheard of five years ago.

Due to the pervasiveness of fast-food in today’s society, companies such as McDonald’s were “required” to make necessary changes in order to adapt to growing demand for healthy eating choices.  Consumer credit is just as pervasive, which is why I believe that lenders will eventually have to promote positive change.

However, this is not to suggest that consumers do not have a responsibility to fulfill.

While following a twelve-step program is a bit extreme and perhaps “prescriptive” (to use the authors’ words), I believe that eventually all consumers will need to pay close attention to what they are buying and decide whether their purchases are truly adding value to their lives at the expense of the environment.

I believe a fair number of consumers are more aware of the impact they have on the planet and are taking steps to make appropriate corrections.  Replacing traditional light bulbs with CFCs, and increasing recycling efforts are good practices in themselves, but omit many other aspects of true sustainability – including the core social impact.

Today, most companies are unable to (either due to lack of knowledge, or desire) provide consumers with a true impact assessment of what it took to produce their product and deliver it to the consumer.  Likewise, most consumers do not have the knowledge yet to think about these factors, nor are they necessarily ready to alter their lifestyle even if this information was presented to them.

Given this information, I believe there are numerous opportunities in the sustainability arena.  Here are a select few which I think may be of interest:

  1. Think more about the “twelve-step” program concept and employ its use in other areas – i.e. use it to focus on the cause of a given problem and less about the actual symptoms.
  2. Employ the use of “models” that truly add value to the customer’s life in the long-term, and encourage companies to build strategies around this mindset.
  3. When working with lending companies, encourage them to re-invent themselves for the long-term benefit of the planet by promoting better purchasing decisions through a “model of sustainability”.
  4. Take sustainability to the next level by utilizing and implementing sustainability frameworks (e.g. Environmental Footprint, Cradle to Cradle, and LCA (Life-cycle Assessment)) in companies who may be unfamiliar with these frameworks and require expertise to integrate them into a long-term sustainability strategy.
  5. Think about sustainability as a never-ending goal and remind companies that implementing small changes over time can make a significant impact over the long-term.  Short-term (incremental) solutions do not have to be perfect.
  6. Encourage greater transparency with customers – especially in this area.  By being transparent, customers are more likely to be accepting (at least temporarily) of a company’s current flaws and are likely to remain customers over the long-term (assuming steps to correct these problems are made).  From a sustainability perspective, providing information about how products are manufactured, and clearly displaying their “sustainability” label are two good examples.  Treat customers as business partners.
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Electronica Genius.

Sep 24, ’10 7:49 PM

I recently acquired Joris Voorn’s 2008 mix – “Balance” – on double CD.  In short, the compilation is simply a masterpiece of electronica and well-crafted mixes.

Joris’ introduction pretty much says it all:

“The process of making these mixes has been more like painting with sound rather than performing a traditional DJ-mix.

“As you can see, I have used a lot of tracks.  My intention while working on these mixes, however, has not been a simple case of ‘more is more’ – some of the tracks have been reduced to portions as small as a 2-bar loop, or are just a break or an intro.

“The process was inspired and inspiring, and although this Balance project is over, it has created many new leads and ideas for future works.

“I hope that people will enjoy the results.  Some listeners will be surprised by what they hear, but I believe I’ve pushed my boundaries in not only a technical way but – even more so – in a musical and artistic way as well.”

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Altitude Sickness.

Dec 3, ’09 3:15 AM

In November of 2006, I decided to climb Mt.Rainier.

Given that I have never climbed a mountain, my first and only concern was ensuring that I was physically strong enough to reach the summit.  Thus, over the subsequent six months I practiced climbing stairs in local arenas, walked for miles in the darkness of winter, and eventually walked thirteen miles with a loaded backpack with forty pounds of weight.  In May of 2007, feeling confident in my physical ability, I packed my gear and headed to Seattle, Washington where I was to meet up with other climbers at the Alpine Ascents office.

I arrived fairly early to the planning session, and given the few climbers who were already there, the relative “intimacy” of the environment helped boost my confidence and comfort level.  Interestingly enough, this level of comfort remained fairly static until three new team members arrived fairly late in the session.  In retrospect, the combination of their collective personality along with the seeming “collapse” of the team dynamic led to a rather abrupt decline in self-confidence.

During the van ride to the mountain, I also noticed that I was becoming somewhat withdrawn from the group.  Being consciously aware of this, I took steps to “return” to my original self and was able to gradually interact with other team members without any problems.  However, it was at the first camp (Camp Muir – elevation 10,188 feet) where things started to become much more challenging for me.  Granted, the physical undertaking to climb ten-thousand feet was both physically and mentally draining, but the real struggle involved not my legs or body, but my mind.  Even though I was with approximately ten other climbers, I felt extremely isolated and alone.

It was only after the climb where I reflected why my primary barrier to reaching the summit on Rainier was not physical, but mental.

A person’s mental state is influenced by a wide range of factors – energy level, family history, personal experiences, etc. – but at it’s core is one’s personality.  Everyone knows fundamentally who they are, but exploring the underlying facets through a formal personality test can further expand one’s awareness of their modes of operation and what they can do to bridge connections with others.  A common and fairly reliable test is known as Myers Briggs, or as it is more commonly known – the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI).

When I first took the MBTI back in 2000, I was amazed with the results – the correlation to my true personality was striking.  At the time, the test told me that I was of personality type “ISTJ“, which can be explained via the following descriptions:

  • Ways of Gaining Energy: Introversion – You focus on your inner world and get energy through reflecting on information, ideas and concepts.
  • Ways of Taking in Information: Sensing – You notice and trust facts, details and present realities.
  • Ways of Making Decisions: Thinking – You make decisions using logical, objective analysis.
  • Ways of Living in the World: Judging – You prefer to be organized and orderly and to make decisions quickly.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I decided to take the MBTI a second time.  This time my results were actually much different – I was now of personality type “INFP” (Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving).  Interestingly enough, this change in type felt right.

While there is a free test available online, the benefit of taking the official test is that you are provided with an eighteen-page report that provides in-depth analysis of the key facets of your personality as well as tangible suggestions on how to improve your communication style, ability to manage change and conflict, and ability to make decisions.

Not surprisingly, the introversion element of my personality was a key determinant in my discomfort on Rainier.  Fortunately, I can interact with strangers without any difficulty and engage them in decent conversation, but if I don’t have the ability to (eventually) form any true connections with the people I am with, I am going to start to withdraw.  The fact that I was unable to step away from the group on Rainier to replenish my sense of “self” made it all that much more challenging.

I used to think that my inability to rapidly “connect” with strangers was a deficiency that needed to be overcome.  After much self-reflection and research, I no longer believe this.  To be sure, if I felt this was a genuine barrier that needed to be overcome, then I would take immediate steps to expand my personality “container” to better adapt in these types of situations.  However, it’s important to recognize that all personalities are created equal and trying to “fix” a personality trait because it doesn’t “fit” isn’t necessarily the right thing to do.  A personality isn’t something that needs to be “fixed”.

What is the lesson here?  When faced with new challenges, having inventory of your values, strengths and weaknesses are useful tools, but the true foundation of understanding is a keen awareness of your own personality.  If you take steps to explore your personality through formal or freely available personality tests, explore related literature about your personality type, and integrate the suggestions and information into your mode of operation, you will find that your sense of self will be that much greater and you’ll have an enhanced ability to deal with conflict, make important decisions, and communicate with others who have personality types different from your own.

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