Category Emotional Intelligence

Entries 30 Total

Momentum.

Apr 9, ’11 8:36 PM

In an earlier post, I made the claim that most people are lazy.  And of course, that’s not intended to be presented in a negative way; I simply believe that no one wants to work harder at something than they have to.

In thinking more about this concept, I realized that there is an important example that further exemplifies this point, but is far more relevant than examples presented earlier.

Several months ago, I finished reading Tim Brown’s Change by Design – an interesting book on design thinking inspired primarily by Brown’s experience at IDEO where he is CEO and President.

There is an excerpt from the text where he describes his “barometer” for supporting new projects spearheaded by IDEO staff:

“… when I receive a cautiously worded memo asking for permission to do something, I find myself becoming equally cautious.  But when I am ambushed in the parking lot by a group of hyperactive people falling all over one another to tell me about the unbelievably cool project they are working on, their energy inflects me and my antennae go way, way up.  Some of these projects will go wrong.  Energy will be wasted (whatever that means) and money will be lost (we know exactly what that means).”

Browns’ comments immediately resonated with me.

In the past, I found myself taking the former route for initiatives that seemed significant enough to warrant some sort of “approval” (whatever that really means).  Not surprisingly, many of these ideas were put to rest before they even began.  Why does this happen?

Remember, most people (not all) don’t want to think – *especially* for ideas that are foreign or new.  As innocent as it may seem, the very act of asking for approval means that you aren’t sure whether your idea is a good one – and if you aren’t sure, your colleagues / manager / etc. is likely to be even less certain of your idea and the “difficulty meter” starts to rise.  Negative momentum is a likely outcome.

If you have an idea for something that you believe in, don’t ask for permission to do it.  99.9% of the time, no one is going to stop you. If you have energy and enthusiasm, you’ll already have momentum on your side.  And it’s much more difficult to stop something while it’s moving than keep it stationary.

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The Easy Button.

Apr 2, ’11 10:56 AM

The first thing that I think most people think of when they see or hear this phrase is the office supply chain – Staples.  Shira Goodman, Staples’ executive VP for marketing, launched this advertising campaign (and underlying business strategy) in 2006 and the company has reaped the rewards ever since.

Ms. Goodman believed that “Customers wanted an easier shopping experience” and fortunately she was right.

One of the things I’ve learned over the past several years is that a critical factor in one’s success (at least in the workplace) is how easy you make other people’s lives.  For someone who naturally places logic before reason, it’s amazing at just how simple things are when you utilize this principle.

Let me share a few personal examples of past behavior and how I do things today.

Email: It is very easy for me to compile detailed messages to colleagues describing a particular issue / topic, and pointing out exactly what I need from them or how I may need their help.  Logic has always told me it’s more efficient to document one’s thoughts to:

  1. avoid interrupting that individual via phone (i.e. “context switching” reduces efficiency on both sides)
  2. take the necessary time to think about what you are asking for before submitting a formal request
  3. create a record for future reference (i.e. what did I ask for again?).

Fortunately for me, this approach has strengthened my writing and thinking capabilities over time, but guess what?  The recipients of these narratives don’t have time to read what I’ve sent them!  Are they lazy?  Perhaps; in 99% of cases they simply have other things they need to do and reading isn’t high on their priority list.  It’s an unfortunate truth.  I’ve seen countless circumstances where a carefully constructed email (that is actually read and responded to) could have eliminated many hours lost in verbal “crosstalk.”

So, what is my approach now?  There are still times where email narratives are still constructed, but they are few and far between.  Instead, my emails are typically 2-3 sentences in length – any longer, and it’s best to have a phone call or meeting.

Documentation: Similar story here.  Of course, this doesn’t mean that documentation should be immediately classified as non-essential.  Rather, documentation can be written in such a way where it is less verbose and to the point.  Have you ever seen documentation that is full of unnecessary content?  Title page?  Documentation credits?  Heavy formatting?  Seriously. Get rid of the fluff and you’ve reduced the document length by 50%.  Go even further.  Start with a blank page void of formatting / templates; if you can boldface and underline you don’t need the overhead.  Create a mission statement for the document – what are you trying to convey?  Make it your goal to keep the document to as few pages as you possibly can.  Throw content in the appendix where ever possible.

As I alluded to in an earlier post, this reduction strategy is psychologically very powerful.  By reducing the length of the content, it gives the readers a boost of confidence that says “Yes, they can read this!” (to completion of course)

Colleague Interaction: In the past, when I started to work with other project managers or colleagues that were clearly leading a particular initiative, I made it clear that I was there to help them in any way I could.  While I always have a sense of what needs to be done, I like to give the benefit of the doubt and let them set the initial direction (i.e. you don’t need two leaders).  I quickly learned that this approach backfires.  Why?  Because by not immediately suggesting ways to offer assistance you are asking them to do it for you.  Remember, people are lazy; they don’t want to take on more responsibility than they have to.  “Don’t make me think!” is the underlying message.

So what do I do today?  The first statement I make when meeting new colleagues is that I want to make their lives easy.  I immediately follow-up by suggesting some of the ways to that end.  How can anyone argue with that?

In the book Living with Complexity, the author challenges the notion that people want things (products / services) to be simple.  But when you look at the facts behind product and service design, you’ll find this really isn’t true.  For example, would you like a DVD player that only plays DVDs?  What about when presented with an alternative that also connects to the Internet, streams movies and tells you the latest news headlines?  If you want simple, the first option is your obvious selection but most end up buying the latter.  People want options – even if they don’t end up using 99% of them.  Marketing almost always wins.

A similar situation exists here. When it comes to working with people, reason trumps logic.  People can (and do) say that they think logically and they want very clear interaction paths between others, but they really don’t.  If they did, my lengthy narratives would all be read, and they would respond naturally (and willingly!) to simple gestures of assistance without an explanation of how.

Interpersonal connections and behavior are messy.  People are irrational and basing your working relationship on a foundation of logic is a poor choice in the long-run.  You can try to fight it but you won’t win.

For those who take logic off the shelf when it’s absolutely necessary, you are well ahead of my realization and I admire you.  As for me, I’ve since thrown in the towel and I am starting to see the benefits of stepping out of the ring.

Key Principles

  1. Accept that everyone (including you) is lazy.
  2. Find the path of least resistance and utilize it.
  3. Make it your mission to serve others.
  4. Reap the rewards through stronger partnerships.

 

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Chutes and Ladders.

Mar 29, ’11 8:00 PM

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Sacrifices.

Mar 25, ’11 6:55 PM

“The elite colleges’ admissions officers are forever falling in love with the non-straight-A kids who write quirky, engaging essays, who clearly have garnered a particular respect and affection from their teachers, and who have done really interesting things on their own initiative.  At the end of the admissions hunt, though, those kids get rejected.  But their fate is not in any way a harsh one: there are other colleges in the country, lots and lots of them. […]  The bottom line is that the majority of kids applying to these places just don’t measure up, and that is a bitter pill to swallow for them and for their parents, if they have sacrificed the pleasures of a normal adolescence for the sole purpose of getting into one of the top schools.”

The Ivy Delusion, Caitlin Flanagan (The Atlantic, April 2011)

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Resilience VI – Closing Thoughts

Mar 18, ’11 5:02 PM

As you have seen, the ABC resilience methodology is useful to map out and truly understand your beliefs and whether those same beliefs are working for or against you in your daily life.  The example that I shared about my dog was based around a belief that was clearly flawed, and thus a deeper investigation through the Q&A approach allowed me to ultimately understand and change this belief.  It also allowed me to uncover what the authors call “hidden icebergs” that can steer one’s thought processes and behavior in unique ways.  My concern about being able to achieve an effective work-life balance in the future was one such iceberg.

The first and third examples, while triggered by different adversities, both ended up in the same place; my feelings of frustration / sadness was tied directly to the role in which I was operating, and the subsequent lack of control that I needed to “survive” – or so I believed.

While these feelings are perhaps “natural”, my challenge was to alter my belief structure so that the resulting consequences (negative emotions) could be cast aside – leaving greater “room” for positive change.

But these changes need to be based in reality as well – simply changing my perspective to “this job is great, what am I thinking!” is an inappropriate response.  A more suitable belief system is “this role is not exactly what I am looking for, but it is bringing in income and I can start to look at other opportunities that make the most effective use of my skills” or some derivation thereof.

Of course, while the solution is clear on paper, it’s not as easy to correct – but mapping out this thought process in concrete form allows one to obtain a grasp on the situation that enables more constructive thought processes to develop.

And to be clear, this methodology is not always required in an explicit sense.  In many circumstances, a quick glance at the standard B-C connections will allow you to see why you feel a certain way and whether the underlying beliefs are appropriate in a given situation.

The key is to understand what beliefs are working in your life and which are not.

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Resilience V – Missing Persons

Mar 17, ’11 9:20 PM

Here is another example of a situation where I was somewhat confused by my (internal) emotional reaction.  First, let’s describe the adversity in a straightforward and objective manner:

Adversity: A resource on our team has been out of the office for an extended period of time and no communication has been made stating why.

Now let’s describe what I was really feeling at the time:

Belief: “Where is s/he?  I have a project schedule that has many overdue tasks and it’s frustrating there hasn’t been any real communication regarding her/his absence.  If communication is a highly valued competency, why isn’t anyone communicating?!”

Consequence: Some anger / frustration and sadness

This is interesting; frustration makes sense, but anger & sadness do not.  Because of this, let’s go through the Q&A format that I shared in an earlier example:

Question: Why does your colleague’s absence frustrate you?

Answer: I have some work that needs to be done and I don’t have the information I need.  While I was able to pull up with another resource, it would be helpful to know when s/he is returning to the office.

Question: What is the worst that can happen if you aren’t kept informed?

Answer: Ultimately, the project schedule won’t be updated and people will look to me for the answers.

Question: Let’s assume that people come to you looking for answers, why does that bother you?

Answer: At a basic level, it bothers me because I won’t be able to respond appropriately to their inquiries.  At a deeper level this bothers me because I could be adding greater value if I was serving in a different capacity, and thus I would not have to rely upon others to provide these updates to me.

As you can see here, while it initially appears that I am frustrated because I don’t know what is going on, what is really at play is my lack of control regarding the underlying effort.  My feelings of sadness (albeit minor) stem from being in a role that is separate and distinct from my true strengths and background.  In some respects, my colleague’s absence triggers feelings of inadequacy and loss.

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Resilience IV – Is my dog unhappy?

Mar 15, ’11 1:17 AM

In an earlier post, I summarized the ABC resilience methodology described by the authors of The Resilience Factor.  In this post, I’ll introduce a very simple example of a belief that seems to affect me on a fairly routine basis.  I will likely progress into more advanced examples in the future, but this is an easy one to explore and share this particular analysis methodology.

Adversity: My dog is staring at me and I am not sure what he wants to do.

Belief: What does he want now?  I need to focus on other things right now and I am not sure I really want to go outside again.

Consequences: A combination of frustration and guilt, and sometimes even anger.

While it’s perhaps easy to see why I would feel frustrated and even guilty, I have often been puzzled why I sometimes feel angry – sometimes to the point of being stressed out!  Let’s explore what these emotions are really saying about my belief system in this particular case.

Question: I take care of my dog almost better than I do myself.  Why does his staring bother me so much?

Answer: Because I don’t know what he is feeling and whether he is bored.

Question: Let’s assume he is bored, what is the worst part of that for me?

Answer: If my dog is bored, then I think he is unhappy.

Question: What does that mean to me if he is unhappy?

Answer: It means that I am not taking as good care of him as I should be and he deserves more than I may be providing.  It may mean that I am not doing a very good job at being a pet owner and that ultimately I may not be able to achieve a good balance between work and personal life if and when I do have children.  In some respects, I feel helpless.

It’s a safe bet that some pet owners don’t experience these feelings, but I am sure that many do.  Guilt, I think, naturally comes with having children or pets.  If you truly care about your pets and/or children, you are always going to want the best for them (i.e. their happiness) and thus any activity that impacts those feelings is going to result in some feelings of guilt.

As it relates to my feelings of anger, clearly these feelings are inward-facing.  My dog has done nothing wrong, and frankly it is unlikely that he is bored; perhaps he is staring at me out of pure affection? (or he just wants another treat!)

My anger is primarily about not being able to understand or satisfy a need that may not necessarily be there in the first place; feelings of helplessness are a natural byproduct.  At a much deeper level, it’s about potentially failing later on in a future partnership or family environment either due to a lack of understanding and/or an inability to make a positive impact / change (i.e. will I be able to attain a balance between my personal interests and those of my wife’s and or children’s?).

As you can see here, by taking a closer look at my emotions surrounding this particular adversity, I’ve learned quite a bit about this seemingly innocent dynamic. Given this in-depth analysis, however, it’s clear that this belief needs to change.  Being resilient in this case means the following:

  1. I’ll never understand what my dog is thinking, so yes I will perhaps always feel helpless but I can do what I can to ensure his happiness.
  2. Achieving a balance in this relationship (and in future relationships) is a simple means of establishing “boundaries” (in this case a loose schedule) and continuously measuring against those same boundaries to see what is working and what isn’t.
  3. There are some things in life that I will be able to change and many others that I will not.

While this is a simple example of approaches recommended in the text, you can see just how much information is uncovered and whether existing beliefs should stay or go.

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Resilience III – Core Belief System

Mar 13, ’11 9:17 PM

“Life can be all too brief, so we must reach out for opportunities when they present themselves.  To do this, you need to better understand the kind of person you are and take control of the forces that, even now, are shaping the future “you.”  Armed with the knowledge of who you are and who you want to be, you can create meaning in your life.  You can do this by using the resilience skills to develop more intimacy with those you love, to fill your life with purpose and meaning via your work or involvement in the community.  You can also use the skills to take on new challenges.”

While the origins of Incubator were based upon loss, it ultimately allowed me to begin understanding who I am and what I want out of my life.  While not yet completely true, the process of documenting my experiences and thought patterns has allowed me to remove many of the negative emotions that comes with loss.  It was this removal that ultimately enabled the end of Incubator and the beginning of Territories.

While the process of healing can, and does, ultimately end, self-exploration does not.  It is created as one experiences new things throughout his or her life.  Coincidentally, self-exploration is an essential part of being resilient.

With the creation of The Visual Journey and the initiation of Immersion, I have a clear understanding of who I am and the experiences that got me here.  But what’s missing is an in-depth analysis of my core belief system.

Thus, one of the areas that I will be focusing on in the weeks and months to come is understanding, and challenging my core beliefs.  Some of my beliefs may fit naturally while others (i.e. those that are not making my life better) require replacement.

Furthermore, some beliefs are centralized to my professional life, while others span both work and play.  Also, some beliefs will be easy to uncover while others may require further analysis.

Future experiences aside, I believe this next step will enable me to truly understand my identity, my role in the world, and will ultimately increase my resilience.

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Resilience II: The ABC’s

Mar 7, ’11 10:53 PM

“Resilience, then, is the basic strength, underpinning all the positive characteristics in a person’s emotional and psychological makeup.  A lack of resilience is the major cause of negative functioning.  Without resilience there is no courage, no rationality, no insight.  It is the bedrock on which all else is built.” – Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatté, The Resilience Factor

In my last post, I introduced the topic of resilience and how the key to greater self-esteem is self-efficacy.  The path towards greater self-efficacy is resilience, and the path to greater resilience begins with an understanding of the ABC model – a resilience-building methodology presented in The Resilience Factor by Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatté:

  • Adversity – What pushes your buttons?
  • Beliefs – What are your beliefs at that moment?
  • Consequences – What do you feel and what do you do about those feelings?

While it would be easy for me to fabricate an example to illustrate this technique, I think it’s beneficial if I share a personal example from my own professional experience.

In a previous role I was responsible for maintaining a project schedule of nearly 1500+ tasks.  Since the team was still getting familiar with the overall PM structure and methodology, there was bound to be some communication breakdowns, and I eventually found myself in the middle of one.

Prior to this event, I had established a weekly schedule where updates would be collected from the various workstream leads and subsequently incorporated into the larger program schedule.  This particular breakdown occurred because the schedule was compromised, the reasoning was unclear, and I found myself in the spotlight for issues I was also unaware of.

Let’s walk through this example to illustrate how the system works.

First, let’s summarize the Adversity in an objective and specific manner:

“Shortly after responding to inquiries about the project schedule, my colleagues sent follow-up emails that highlighted the urgency of the related changes and asked that these changes be made as soon as possible.”

Next, I’ll describe what I was feeling at that very moment: (my Beliefs)

“What is wrong with these people?  What happened to the schedule that was established weeks ago?  If they are unhappy with the manner by which I am maintaining the schedule, why aren’t they updating it themselves?”

“Ticker-tape” beliefs are beliefs that you may not be immediately aware of.  In this particular case, my ticker-tape beliefs centered around my desire to do work that took greater advantage of my strengths and skill set.  And this task, while important, was not aligned with this desire.  In retrospect, my mind was already looking for potential issues.

When utilizing this approach it’s important that you avoid filtering what you are feeling at that moment.  Doing so can cause you to skim the surface of your true emotions, and you’ll gain less from the experience in the long-run.

The third and final component of this resilience methodology is Consequences: “the way you feel and what you do in the moment of an adversity or challenge.”

The authors go on to present a few standard B-C connections that one can refer to in the midst of an adversity:

  • Violation of your rights … results in … anger
  • Real world loss or loss of self-worth … results in … sadness, depression
  • Violation of another’s rights … results in … guilt
  • Future threat … results in … anxiety, fear
  • Negative comparison to others … results in … embarrassment

In this particular example, my immediate and initial B-C connection was about a violation of my rights and the feelings of anger that soon followed.  But the B-C connection was actually less about my rights and ultimately about loss of self-worth.  After all, in this role I wasn’t really leading – I was maintaining, and to receive any sort of “criticism” dealt a blow to my self-worth.  “Can’t I do even THIS correctly?”

While I chose to deal with this adversity head-on, expressing my concerns directly to my colleagues, I let the combination of anger and sadness result in a criticism of their abilities in managing related tasks.  Thus, I was faced with yet another B-C connection – one where I inadvertently violated another’s rights, and felt a sense of guilt for doing so.

Events and experiences that I have been faced with over the past several years have helped strengthen some of my ticker-tape beliefs, and it’s those same beliefs that unfortunately played a key role in the consequences I’ve just described.

What is critically important here is the fact that “… our emotions and behaviors are triggered not by events themselves but by how we interpret those events.”  Responding to my colleagues initial requests using an altered belief system could have resulted in a less direct conversation, leaving greater flexibility afterwards for a less charged dialogue, thus obtaining perhaps greater results in the long-run.

The next natural step for me is to take a closer look at my belief system to determine which beliefs are working and which are not.  While my job may not always be 100% in alignment with my strengths, my relationships with others should not have to suffer because of it.

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Resilience I: Self-esteem vs. Self-Efficacy

Mar 6, ’11 9:20 PM

I recently finished reading  Andrew Shatte’s and Karen Reivich’s book entitled The Resilience Factor – 7 Essential Skills for Overcoming Life’s Inevitable Obstacles.  I found the book incredibly useful as it provides a formulaic approach to understanding the reasons why certain events trigger certain emotions, and to develop constructive ways to work through those events / emotions.  Since adversity is a constant factor in people’s lives, improving one’s resilience is critically important for future successes – both professional and personal.

Now having closed a rather turbulent period of my life, I felt the time was right to take additional steps to improve my resilience.  While my creative abilities allowed me to manage through this period in a constructive way, I felt there were some core lessons I was still missing and needed to develop.  When I stumbled upon this book, I knew that this was the piece that was missing from that journey.

Towards the beginning of the book, the authors make several key points that really set the stage for the remainder of the text.  They talk about the need to focus less on developing self-esteem and more so on self-efficacy.  There is a difference as one is a by-product of the other:

“…self-esteem is the by-product of doing well in life – meeting challenges, solving problems, struggling and not giving up.  You will feel good about yourself when you do well in the world.  That is healthy self-esteem.  Many people and many programs, however, try to bolster self-esteem directly by encouraging us to […] believe that we can do anything we set our mind to.  The fatal flaw with this approach is that it is simply not true.  We cannot do anything we want in life, regardless of how many time we tell ourselves how special and wonderful we are and regardless of how determined we are to make it so.”

The authors go on to discuss why self-efficacy is the first step to building self-esteem:

“We know that as people start to build a track record of small successes by solving problems, self-efficacy follows naturally.”

The skills taught in The Resilience Factor equip one with tools to solve the problems in one’s life and to meet the challenges that confront her/him.  These tools allow one to develop self-efficacy, which ultimately translates into greater feelings of self-esteem.  And it’s this unique combination that can empower people to do even more with their lives and experience greater joy from the lives they already have.

The book “works” because of the numerous anecdotal examples presented throughout the text.  In fact, the book’s lessons are best assimilated by using them when adversity strikes.  The adage “practice makes perfect” is indeed valid here.

In my next post on this subject, I’ll introduce a few key points from the text along with some personal examples to illustrate just how well these tools truly work.

Related Article: Recalibration I

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