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The White Flag.

Jul 11, ’11 10:34 PM

After much consideration, I resigned from my job of twelve years nearly two weeks ago.

There are many who would question such a decision given that I don’t have another opportunity lined up, and I’m also not 100% certain what, or where, that opportunity might be.  I just knew that this was the right thing to do and the right time to do it.

For someone who has historically placed logic above all else, admittedly many who hear this news are taken aback.  Unfortunately, after what I’ve experienced over the past five years, I’ve learned that life has other plans regardless of what you may have wanted to happen.

Thus, I’ve stopped trying to make any real long-term plans and to accept whatever comes into my life.  I don’t look years into the future; right now, I operate on a day-to-day basis (that’s 24 hours), perhaps because I don’t have any other choice.

I recently read an excerpt from a business text published by the Harvard Business Review where the author describes the attitudes of POWs during the Vietnam War.  Those who believed they would be in that situation forever fared much better than those who believed they would be released within a certain period of time; the former group’s ability to accept their current circumstances increased their resiliency.

When things aren’t “working,” I think it’s natural to envision a time when things will be working again.  Interestingly, it’s a mistake to think this way.

Since 2006, thoughts of a “better future” have centered on a relationship that no longer exists.  More recent situations have involved my career and where I live: “This will get better in a few months …” or “I’m only going to live here for a short while …”

Anger and frustration at what “should have been” becomes draining and meaningless in time, but difficult to relinquish all the same.  Unfortunately, these same feelings erode one’s resilience, and it’s a downward spiral from there.

Based upon my experience, I think one’s ability to “weather the storm” requires resilience, and surprisingly a pessimistic attitude (i.e. things may never change, but eventually everything ends).  The ability to “live life” centers around the ability to “fail quickly” (i.e. perseverance) and a strong sense of one’s self / purpose.  Everything else is supplementary, and should be considered a “bonus” because nothing in life, and no one, is guaranteed.

 

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Questions.

May 2, ’11 7:05 PM

When Incubator was in its infancy, I was hesitant to open myself to the “world” and initially restricted its access.  After a few weeks, I decided to remove this “barrier” and it, along with Territories, have remained “open” ever since.

The second tier of openness focused on the books I was reading at the time.  Many were interpersonal in nature and several were admittedly “taboo” in a professional setting, ranging in topics from marriage “counseling”  to personality disorders.  Uncertain whether to include such texts in my published reading list, I consulted two colleagues who suggested that I either remove them completely or bundle them within an “interpersonal” section.

I always found this latter recommendation intriguing; did “bundling” somehow dilute or minimize what I was learning about at the time?  It’s as if this aspect of my life could somehow be packaged neatly in a box to focus greater attention on the “important” aspects of my Internet presence.  What is, of course, ironic is that this “box” was ultimately the catalyst for my electronic presence in the first place.

The third tier of openness focused on posts (essays?) that pushed the boundaries of what an online diary could look like, but never reaching that tipping point.  Or have I?

Now half-way through the book Alone Together, I am forced to reflect on where these online posts are heading and what value they are providing me.

While the “negative” examples focus heavily on the use of Facebook, the “positive” can be perhaps summarized by the following excerpt:

“In thinking about online life, it helps to distinguish between what psychologists call acting out and working through.  In acting out, you take the conflicts you have in the physical real and express them again and again in the virtual.  There is much repetition and little growth. In working through, you use the materials of online life to confront the conflicts of the real and search for new resolutions.“

As originally intended, my online experience over the past two and a half years has been about the latter.  But what else is there to work through now?

One could argue that I’ll always have something to work through, and that writing will aid in my ability to successfully navigate through these challenges.  And given my success using this approach, I completely support this claim.

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Recalibration I.

Apr 2, ’10 3:51 AM

I read an article in a recent issue of The Atlantic which focused on the worsening employment outlook for today’s economy. The article painted a fairly dismal picture connecting unemployment with a vast number of downstream impacts, including socio, interpersonal and self that had negative consequences many years after the economic downturn.

The article sheds light on several impacted demographics – including recent graduates looking for work. This particular demographic – known as the “Millennials” or “New Boomers” – is referenced in a book called “Generation Me” by Jean Twenge, an associate professor of psychology at San Diego State University.

In her book, Twenge ties the manner by which this generation was raised, their resulting high self-esteem, and their potential long-term success, particularly when faced with a jobless economy.

She notes that “… self-esteem in children began rising sharply around 1980, and hasn’t stopped since.  By 1999, according to one survey, 91 percent of teens described themselves as responsible, 74 percent as physically attractive, and 79 percent as very intelligent. (More than 40 percent of teens also expected that they would be earning $75,000 a year or more by age 30; the median salary made by a 30-year-old was $27,000 that year.) Twenge attributes the shift to broad changes in parenting styles and teaching methods, in response to the growing belief that children should always feel good about themselves, no matter what. As the years have passed, efforts to boost self-esteem—and to decouple it from performance—have become widespread.

“These efforts have succeeded in making today’s youth more confident and individualistic. But that may not benefit them in adulthood, particularly in this economic environment. Twenge writes that “self-esteem without basis encourages laziness rather than hard work,” and that “the ability to persevere and keep going” is “a much better predictor of life outcomes than self-esteem.”

This really struck a chord with me as I have always believed that the key to success is self-confidence.  The fact that “… the ability to persevere is a better predictor of life outcomes” is a refreshing perspective.  In fact, I wonder if my challenge isn’t more about perseverance than it is about confidence.  This is an opportunity.

In thinking more about my development in 2010, I would like to improve my skills in three main areas – self-motivation, persistence and connection.  While I am not necessarily lacking in these three areas, it can be difficult to measure progress without a clear understanding of the underlying maturity model associated with each.  This exploration is also key to further push the “advancement envelope”.

The concept of motivation is something that ultimately drives one to achieve something. If you aren’t motivated to do anything, then it’s unlikely that positive things will happen to you (or anything for that matter).  However, motivation can be measured on a scale all of its own.

Of course, the two extremes are obvious – you are motivated to act, or you aren’t.  But what’s in the middle? How do you measure motivation?  And is there just one dimension to this motivation scale?

Let’s explore this concept in more depth.

A wish to learn new things has been a primary motivator in my life.  To go a step further, formal education can be an excellent motivator all on its own – you pay someone to teach you and indirectly hold you accountable through deadlines, quizzes and exams.  Through the process, you naturally become motivated to get a good grade.  In essence, this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of its own – i.e. I want to learn so I take a class, which pushes me to learn more through the identification of a “grade” which allows me to achieve the goal I originally set out to do.

Another commonly heard motivator is money or material wealth.  While money does not bring happiness, studies have shown that people who have a reasonable amount of wealth are generally happier than those who do not.  Thus, attaining money is a powerful motivator.  But is money the motivator, or is the happiness that seems to come with it?

A third motivator is the simple act of pleasing others.  Your relationships with your family and friends may be important enough to drive you to act independent of goal.  Doing something to please others can be its own self-fulfilling prophecy  – i.e. your contributions give a sense of happiness to the other party which can improve the relationship (you are both happy).  The complexity in this case arises when the motivator begins to take on a life of its own.  Using the example just described, this motivator can start to work against the actor if the entire reason for acting is the underlying happiness of the other.

As you can begin to see, the concept of motivation is fairly complex.  What may be labeled as the motivation “source” may in fact be a mask for the true motivator (i.e. is it money or happiness?)  Motivators can also be deceiving – a genuine motivation source may begin to erode over time if the aim isn’t becoming increasingly visible.  Motivators can also be visualized to gain a greater understanding of what is driving (and perhaps what should be driving) the activity.

In a later post under the same title, I’ll explore this concept in more depth.  I’ll also start to introduce the concept of perseverance as I believe the two are closely related.

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The Grand Illusion.

Feb 23, ’10 2:49 AM

One of the fortunate and unfortunate aspects of experiencing trauma (loss) is that you ultimately seek guidance and a level of understanding on why it occurred and what you should ultimately learn from the experience.  In short, you are looking for answers.

This, of course, is not surprising.  How often do you hear of people whose life mission becomes centered around the trauma they faced?  A mother’s loss to a drunk driver can redirect her pain into something that can benefit the greater good – e.g. M.A.D.D.  The degree of the trauma can, I think, have a direct impact into the degree of the life change on the other end.

This is perhaps my last post on the topic of my past relationship to a woman who I believe has borderline personality disorder.  What I thought was true love turned out to be, I think, something else, and this is the hardest part to comprehend and ultimately accept.

Within this post, I’ll refer to several other sites that I have researched over the past two years to connect the pieces of this complex puzzle. Ultimately, this post symbolizes the need for closure that will never happen in a relationship of this type.  In addition, and perhaps of equal importance, it’s about helping others who have experienced something similar and seek some level of comprehension to make their lives better.

First, it’s important to understand what borderline personality disorder is.  At its core, it’s an intense fear of abandonment.  This fear is sometimes established at an early age and can be caused by an interruption in one’s normal psychological development.  The loss of a parent is a concrete “seed” that can result in this disorder taking shape.

Because close relationships, by their very nature, have some degree of risk, relationships with someone who has BPD are very intense and unstable.  To be more specific, because there is risk of abandonment, partners with BPD swing wildly from love to hate and back again.  People with BPD will frantically try to avoid real or imagined abandonment and they will do this by projecting unacceptable or threatening feelings to their partner.  This type of psychological defense mechanism is called “projection”.

Not surprisingly, projection can do much damage to the relationship over time.  The main reason for this is that the person on the other side of BPD will be unable to bear the burden of their issues as well as their partner’s, and the relationship ultimately collapses.

In looking back at the relationship, I equate my experience with a bell curve – with time on the X-axis and the question “Am I the true cause of these problems?” factor on the Y-axis.  In the early stages of the relationship, you will naturally look past the obvious problems / conflict.  However, as the relationship progresses,  you will begin questioning what is happening.  After a certain amount of time, you will start to think that maybe you are the problem – graphically you are at the top of the bell curve.  It was during this period where I started to focus on issues that I was bringing into the relationship and started to think about what I wanted from my life.  After about a year, I moved past the apex and back to where I originally started – “Why is this happening?”

Unfortunately, and ironically, it’s around this time where your original goal in providing a sense of security and comfort to your partner is turned completely upside down.  You are now the source of your partner’s abandonment fears.  You become the problem.

At this point, it should be clear that a relationship of this type is very damaging to all involved – particularly to the “non-BPD” partner.  Your belief in yourself, your ability to make good decisions, and your belief in a true partnership are all significantly damaged and take a considerable time to return to some level of “normalcy”.

It is, however, important to convey the numerous positive outcomes this experience has brought into my life:

– Expanded self-awareness
– Increased assertiveness
– Enhanced communication and articulation
– Accelerated maturation in personal and professional lives
– Positive career direction
– Increased tolerance for independence
– Accelerated creative exploration via photography, industrial design, writing
– Launched new business

I started this blog in November of 2008 as a vehicle towards understanding something that, at the time, was incomprehensible. This post is a symbol of a journey that I didn’t expect to take.

And that is the tragedy of it all.

Appendix: Web Sites

While there are a multitude of web sites providing information about this disorder, there are a few that are extremely beneficial:

Appendix: Common Themes / Quotes
(from a few of the sites listed above)

“We are initially drawn into a borderline relationship by the charm and glamour of extreme idealization about who we are and whom or what it is we represent that is presented to us – we are split white. This circumstance feeds our ego and makes us feel safe, wanted and loved.”

“When it’s good, it’s really good. You think you have found the one you are going to be with forever.  But it doesn’t stay good for long. Something happens to change the tide. That is what is sad for all involved with this disorder. For the person with BPD, it can’t be easy to live like that. And for the person who loves them. You’re left with WTH is going on?”

“If you’re with someone or love someone with bpd and they are not getting help, then be very very careful with your decisions. Enjoy the good times but also know that tomorrow it may change. Be ready and have your boundaries”.

“The borderline’s insecurities and feeling of inadequacy are never sated, so they continue to project these insecurities onto their Non partner with accusations, explosions about certain occurrences, and the like. They will start fights about, well, you don’t know. In the end, you will end up feeling like you are always rebuilding the relationship and starting from ground zero with regards to trust, respect and all the foundational elements and building blocks of a solid relationship.”

“… I miss the person I thought [s]he was.”

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The Fog of War.

Jul 20, ’09 8:03 PM

In one of my earlier posts, I introduced the concept of “situational awareness” – a concept critical to pilots, and anyone else who needs to maintain focus and concentration in the midst of “chaos”.

As alluded to in the post, when problems start to develop such that one’s situational awareness is compromised, one is left “defenseless” for a certain time period until situational awareness is restored.  While there are many times when situational awareness is restored, there are times when regaining situational awareness is impossible.

Due to its military applicability, this period of ambiguity is commonly known as “the fog of war”.

In Malcolm Gladwell’s “Blink“, he calls special attention to a military leader by the name of Paul Van Riper.  Given his extensive military leadership experience, he was asked to participate in a highly complex military strategy scenario to determine its viability in the “real world”.  Upon receiving his “objective” and gaining an understanding of this new “leadership strategy”, he decided to forgo the instructions provided him and instead lead as he had done in past combat situations.  Leading his team in this manner allowed him to stay focused on the objective without getting bogged down in unnecessary “tiered” and complex leadership strategies.  Interestingly enough, the high-tech strategic principles employed by his adversary found themselves lacking situational awareness and ultimately within a “fog of war” of their own creation.

This concept, in my view, has applicability outside the military realm as well.

In the workplace, the likelihood that such a “fog” will exist depends upon leadership capability, organizational structure and communication pathways.  As with the military equivalent, and taking a cue from the associated Wikipedia entry, this “fog” can exist at multiple levels:

  • Strategic
  • Management
  • Operational
  • Tactical

One major cause for the “fog of war” condition is a breakdown that spans these four levels of authority.  It’s similar to the “operator game” where disconnects in communication increase as the number of connection points increases (i.e. the original meaning gets lost in translation).

While communication breakdowns are natural and perhaps unavoidable in the larger sense, as you increase the frequency and magnitude of “direction setting”, resources “on the ground” will begin to lose a sense for their own judgment and will eventually become incapable of action if and when these directional communications cease.  Thus, one way to combat this problem is to do as Paul Van Riper did – provide general direction and guidance, but leave the “real” decision-making to those held accountable for doing the work.

This problem also finds its way in interpersonal relationships.  A good example of when the “fog of war” can introduce itself is within the “pursuer / distancer” pattern.

In most normal circumstances, a relationship typically starts on a level playing field.  However, as each partner gains more knowledge of the other, each partner may end up playing either the “pursuer” or “distancer” role.  The pursuer is someone who wants to talk often about the relationship and will want to spend more time together, while the”distancer” will want to talk about practical issues and spend more time individually.  As this cycle continues and escalates, the pursuing partner will eventually be seen in a negative light – i.e. as someone who accuses and complains.  Not surprisingly, the distancing partner will also be seen in negative light – i.e. she/he does not “care” about the relationship and is generally aloof.  In many circumstances, these beliefs are rarely valid – i.e. both parties usually have a joint interest in the relationship as a whole.  However, the “fog of war” ultimately causes a lack of situational awareness and the relationship suffers unnecessarily.  If both partners regain situational awareness, breaking free from this “fog” is possible (at least in the short-term until more sufficient dialogue takes place).

How does one maintain enough situational awareness to avoid the “fog of war” or to at least “regain” awareness more rapidly?

At a basic level, I think the key to avoiding the “fog of war” (or minimizing one’s stay) is for all parties to understand it in principle.  Having awareness that such a “fog” is possible will empower each participant and will enable them to slow things down and take inventory of what is really happening.

At a more advanced level, this collective awareness is ultimately realized through a “shared mental model”.  In essence, such a model provides the team (or partners) with a common set of discrete operating principles that enable them to maintain focus and to realize when the other has lost situational awareness.  It boils down to understanding 1) the task and team goals, 2) their individual tasks and 3) team member goals and responsibilities.  Via this shared mental model, there is a greater likelihood that at least one team member will maintain situational awareness.  This very possibility is the key to preventing others from entering the “fog of war” and to quickly pull them out of an existing “fog”.

References:

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Mental Adaptation.

May 27, ’09 10:37 PM

In the June 2009 issue of The Atlantic is an interesting article entitled “What Makes us Happy” by Joshua Wolf Shenk.  The article discusses a seventy-two year study by Harvard researchers, and it’s longtime director, George Vaillant, of the lives of 268 Harvard sophomores.  The study intended to find a scientific “solution” or “equation” to a life of happiness.

After following these individuals for quarter century, the study had identified seven major factors that predict healthy aging, both physically and psychologically.  These factors are education, a stable marriage, not smoking, not abusing alcohol, some exercise and maintaining a healthy weight.  The seventh, and perhaps the most important of them all involve “mature adaptations“.

Given some of the challenges that I have faced over the past several years, this concept immediately resonated with me.  Let me explain why.

About two years ago I read a book called “How Full is your Bucket?” where the premise of the book revolves around the metaphor of a “bucket” and “dipper”.  Continuous positive contributions result in a”full” bucket while continuous negative energy (or the absence of positive emotion) eventually results in an “empty” bucket.  The book goes on to provide several key strategies to ensure the “bucket” is always full.

One of the anecdotes in the text involves American POWs in the Korean War.  Even though physical conditions were adequate, many POWs were mentally “broken” through self-criticism and lack of positive support.  When I first read this, I found the concept difficult to comprehend.  It’s only until recently where I can understand how a lack of positive energy can spell the difference between success and failure – regardless of situation.

At a certain level, one’s ability to get beyond the current circumstance and to mentally “fabricate” positive thought is a core factor to long-term success.  In essence, how able is one to appropriately respond and adapt to challenges along the way?  This “adaptation” concept is expanded upon in The Atlantic article:

“This central question is not how much or how little trouble these men met, but rather precisely how – and to what effect – they responded to that trouble.  His main interpretive lens has been the psychoanalytic metaphor of “adaptations”, or unconscious responses to pain, conflict, or uncertainty.  Formalized by Anna Freud on the basis of her father’s work, adaptations (also called “defense mechanisms”) are unconscious thoughts and behaviors that you could say either shape or distort – depending on whether you approve or disapprove – a person’s reality.  Defenses can spell our redemption or ruin.“

In essence, one’s ability to successfully “adapt” is a key factor in one’s overall quality of life.

Vaillant goes on to rank these defenses in four categories (from worst to best):

  1. “Psychotic” – e.g. paranoia, hallucination
  2. “Immature” – e.g. passive aggression, projection, fantasy
  3. “Neurotic” – e.g. intellectualization, dissociation and repression
  4. “Mature” – e.g. altruism, humor, anticipation, suppression, sublimation

While “neurotic” defenses are common in “normal” people, the goal is to continuously strive towards the “mature” defense behaviors.  Interestingly enough, these “mature” behaviors are in themselves “generators” of positive energy.  While it is admirable to try to employ all of these sub-behaviors, it may be beneficial to focus on one or two initially.

For example, sublimation is good one to start with.  The underlying concept behind sublimation is “energy flow”.  Your mind creates energy (positive and negative) and this energy needs to be directed away from destructive acts and into something that is creatively acceptable.  In fact, this blog is a good example of sublimation – channeling what could be negative energy into something that is constructive and creatively effective.

The lesson in all of this is awareness.  While the six factors described earlier are relatively “easy” to attain for most, I believe focusing intently on the “defense mechanisms” or “adaptations” is at the core to ensuring a positive and healthy life experience regardless of the trouble encountered along the way.  In the POW example described earlier, the key to survival was the single belief that things would eventually be better – the other factors didn’t really matter.

As important as these “adaptations” are, in an interview in the March 2008 newsletter to the Grant Study subjects, Vaillant was asked, “What have you learned from the Grant Study men?”  Vaillant’s response: “That the only thing that matters in life are your relationships to other people.”

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The Cafeteria.

Dec 6, ’08 10:07 PM

Many years ago, a teacher shared a powerful concept with the class that has real-world meaning even today.

The story goes like this: In a high-school cafeteria, you will almost always see teachers or assistants responsible for “monitoring” student activity (behavior, actions, etc.).  Students are well aware of this, and at a subconscious level they assume they “need” this level of supervision because (apparently) they are not mature enough to “monitor” themselves.  In turn, behavioral problems are almost certain to occur in this environment.

If you remove the monitors from the cafeteria (or playground, etc.), the students’ maturity level automatically rises and they start to “police” themselves and those around them.  The number of behavior-related problems is less.

I believe this story has applicability to the workplace.

How much trust you place in reports and co-workers can make a world of difference in the working relationship and the end deliverable / result.  If you start off by placing little trust in the relationship and subsequently give them little responsibility (or freedom to self-direct), they in turn will rely more heavily upon your direction and their overall performance will be limited.

In contrast, by placing complete trust in the individual and his/her abilities, the working relationship will grow considerably in a very short period of time.  The individual will have greater confidence from the experience and this confidence will build upon itself, resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy of “success” for all involved.

Of course, there are exceptions to both the classroom and the workplace.  Some students are simply not mature enough to “police” themselves, and some workers do not have the knowledge or experience to operate independently.

However, as a general guideline I believe it’s beneficial to keep this general principle in mind not only in the workplace, but in personal relationships as well.

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